I am tired.

  December 14th, 2008 by trefoil

I think I may have been suicidal since I was young. I remember having dreams of trying to cut off my own head. As a young kid, I was not popular. I was chubby, had a constant runny nose, and I was introverted. I read books most of the time and I didn’t have friends.
It seems to get worse the older I get. I remember how I started worrying about how I would cry for little reason and just feel sad or apathetic for stretches of time in High School. There was one Summer where I spent several days depressed.
The past year or so has been murder. I’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m GLBTQ, but it feels almost impossible having been raised in a Fundamentalist Christian household, with a loving father and mother heavily involved in church work.
I decided to take some time off of college because I came very close to committing suicide. I need some time to think about things, and my parents are horrified. They think I’ve made a horrible decision that will ruin my life. I just want things to get better, and I felt like I was slowly dying in school.
I moved out on my own and got a job and it’s just been getting worse. I made a mess of my finances and I don’t know how I’m going to survive the next two months, let alone this week. I’ve distanced myself from my family, because it hurts when my mother says how shocked and hurt they are about me leaving school. And it’s gotten to the point where even though I know I was right, I don’t feel right anymore.
I’m just so tired of trying to make the best of everything and trying so hard to be happy and fight being depressed all the time. So tired of everything in my life just getting worse and worrying about how I’m going to pay bills or get food so I don’t starve.
And I just hate myself with a burning passion and wish I was depressed enough to not care about committing suicide.
Writing this, signing up for this blog, makes me realize how I still don’t want to quit on myself… and it just makes me feel depressed.
Depressed and tired.

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