I don’t always feel like sunshine

  December 4th, 2008 by narcoleptic_daydream

Reading the other posts here made me cry, at work, hard.

I feel so much pain and sympathy for the other people here. I don’t know how much it helps, but writing this so far has felt good.

I am not going to say too many personal things. You never know who may be watching.

I am 28 years old. I have had depression since I was about 13. It comes and goes. I think the longest period I ever had without the black sadness was about 5 months long and 6 years ago.

In the last 2 years things have just been going so wrong. I was diagnosed with narcolepsy last march and lost one of my favorite family members last august. He was only a year older than me and the closest thing I ever had to a sibling. I then spent 4 months in isolation in the middle of the desert trying to take care of my sociopathic grandmother. At this time I lost most of my supposed “friends” and my boyfriend of 8 years broke up with me saying that he just didn’t have time for me.

I lost almost 20 pounds at that time ( I weighed 90 pounds and was a size 1). Grieved alone. Felt alone. I wanted to die. I still want to die. I hooked up with an ex-lover from high school and went through all the psychodrama that is the result of driving backwards in your life.

Now I am working a crappy job, living in a crappy apartment, and I feel like everything is spiraling out of control. I am in constant pain from physical abuse I endured throughout my childhood and with an awful boyfriend in high school. I feel at a dead end in my life. I can’t see things getting better, in fact they have gotten harder.

I know that all these problems are my own and that they are the result of the stupid choices that I made. Thank you for listening…..

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