i will never understand why?

  December 11th, 2008 by letticy

i just wanted to write to try and help someone who might be thinking of taking thier own life …. i was 23 when my dad decided that he didn want to be here anymore . I was due to get married 3 months later and my dad had been in the pub the night before (not drunk or so the postmortem said) and was telling everyone how he was looking forward to me getting married . He didnt leave a note , there was no obvious reason why , one day he was here the next day he was gone …..x

Then my life changed forever …. i had a really close family until my dad died then it all fell apart . I am now 35 years old and i am a single parent with no family support . I tried so hard for so many years to keep my family together but we just couldnt get past the pain … or maybe my dad held us together , i will never know . Because my Dads death was so sudden i had to go and see him to believe he was gone … nearly 12 years on whenever i think of my dad i can only picture him in his coffin no matter how hard i try . I have never been angry at him . The way he took his own life was so definate , there was no going back , that gave me a little comfort because i think had it been a cry for help that went wrong it would have been so much harder to live with . I have to tell myself that he made a choice and right or wrong it was his choice to make and i have to respect that . It doesnt make it better but i cant change what he did .

But before you do this , think about this

once you are gone its the people around you that have to live with the pain , guilt , what if s……. I look at my daughter and feel guilty that she doesnt have a grandad ( and oh my god what ta fantastic grandad he would have been ) i wonder if i could have helped him in some way , i feel guilty that he couldnt talk to me . I wonder if it was something i said or did or maybe something i didnt say or do ?? there are so many unanswered questions that i have to live with everyday of my life , he has missed out on so many wonderful moments in my life and i miss him everyday … i know that he would be proud of the strong woman i have become …. but i wish he was here to give me a hug and tell me everyting was going to be ok …… I will never ever get over losing my dad …. he was my world and life is so tough without him at times . over the years i have learnt to live with it BUT i will never understand it or get over it .

I have refused to become a victim of circumstance … the woe is me “my dad committed suicide” attitude BUT that doesnt stop me hurting inside everyday of my life

Life is precious , no matter how hard it gets you have people who love you and would feel like i do if you take your own life …… stop and think …… i know you are probaly hurting so badly right now but stop and think ….. please xxx

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