I’m writing this right now. I was always of the mindset that anyone who wanted to kill themselves wouldn’t bother to make posts like this. I felt that making these kind of posts was just a way to “get attention”.
Funny how things change, huh?
I’m 20 years old, I’ll be 21 in a few months.
As with many families in America, mine ended in divorce. Even now I get mixed explanations for the divorce and I have decided not to worry about the reasons behind it…it happened. For my mother’s own personal reasons, she decided to take me with her to start her new life when I was only 9. She needed me with her to keep her feet grounded and to show her what she was fighting for. At least, that’s what she has told me….
However, even after all of that, I ended up alone for the majority of my life. I could never make friends, I could never be a part of any organization…I just couldn’t. Keep in mind that I wasn’t FORCED to not do these things…I just MENTALLY could not. After being alone for so many years I felt content staying by myself and watching TV. That was the only thing in my life that remainded constant and reliable.
As time went on, me and my mother started to butt heads. It wasn’t about me not loving her or her not loving me (i would hope) but because I was slowly becoming a man that I wasn’t proud of. I was the typical anti-social kid that seemed to not need anyone at all. Friends, family…they all seemed like a big hinderance to me more than anything else. Anything that interrupted with my alone time was considered a hassle and I wanted to distance myself as much as possible from those things. Yet, even under all of that, I managed to be an above average student. Of course, this is mainly because of my mother who wouldn’t hesitate to beat me if I wasn’t doing what I needed to do. Even though it felt horrible then, it ended up working in the long run…or so I thought.
So now, here I am, a 20 year old college student with nothing to live for. Nothing to hold on to and nothing to hope for.
I know that it seems like a big jump…I’m sure I forgot a lot of things to include but..my mind is jumbled right now.
Currently it’s Christmas 2008 and I’m alone. I had a fight with my mother that ended with me being hit in the mouth and kicked out of the house. After that, I called the cops so they could assist me in the matter. OI course, she didn’t look too kindly on that. A church member was kind enough to escort me to my Aunt’s house while I go through m gameplan on how to move past ths…but I don’t have one. I’m just tired.
I’m tired of trying.
I’m tired of feeling worthless.
I’m tired of obligations.
I’m tired of living.
Yet, even after posting this…I doubt I’ll ever go through with anything. I’m too much of a wuss. After reading all the articles about “Failed Suicides” (which is essentially failing at failing), I get a little turned off. I don’t want to be stuck in a wheelchair or..mentally handicapped for the rest of my life. I just want to die…but nothing I can do myself can guarantee that 100%. It frightens me so much…
So, I hope I somehow manage to get through this. If not…then…I don’t look forward to the depression that looms ahead of me. I just wish there was an easier way. I just wish I had someone or something to tell me that everything is going to be alright. I just…wish that none of this ever happened.