I am a 41 year old married male. Father of two late teenage girls and only child to elderly parents. Suicidal thoughts have plagued me for years. I have attempted it three or four times, sought some basic psychological help with anti-depressants. (Zoloft, Celexa, Wellbutrin) but that’s been it.
I have been self employed for 21 years except for 2. Not really successful but with my parents help I am worth close to a million dollars. Sounds good but I really struggle as all my assets are in real estate and need to be sold to get the money. Currently unemployed but still own my own company. I left for a few years to take a break and lost my job to budget cuts. I feel like a loser a lot of the time and I am told it too, so I guess they’re right. I used to be better but that time has gone and never will be back.
My wife and I do not get along, a lot my fault I am told but I did drink alot for a while and never made it home sometimes. I have threatened suicide a few times and she doesn’t care and my in-laws even said I don’t have the balls to do it and my wife did too. “I am looking for attention” they say. I guess I am but nobody is there.
I guess maybe I don’t have the balls (yet) because I think of my kids and parents who would be hurt the most. My wife will find someone, she already has male friends, so she will move on quickly. She does not love me anymore and you can see it in her face, tone, and general reactions towards me. I think things have gone beyond fixing. I have failed at buisness, life, husband and father.
I read alot of the other posters comments and I can see their pain and their reasons for thinking the way we do. The pain is like water boiling in a covered pot or tea kettle eventually the water loses to the heat because it has no where to go.
That is how I feel. I know I should be on medication because of how I think but I know it is a bandage and temporary. I suffer daily do not want to get of bed and am happy to stay home. The pain I have grows daily and the relief lessens. I too am tired. Tired of trying. If there is a God, and I hope there is, maybe I will find peace then…I hope. If not at least I won’t know the difference anyways.
I feel all your pain and wish all of you the best in coping with these awful thoughts. Please find a way to get through. I know I probably will do it one day probably soon but if I help save one other person especially someone young I would be happy.
Happy Holidays. God speed and peace.
Dad in MA
1 comment
i dont know if this will help, im not good with this though i really wanted to help..
im only 22 and have suicidal thoughts myself i lost my mom in a very young age, had a bitchy stepmother (she was our former maid), who married my father fr his money, then planned to get rid of his husbands children,us, (i mean she intended to break my dads relationship with us) dropped out 7 yrs in highschool, got pregnant with twingirls at the early age of 15, their father never met them cause my dad threatened to sue him with statutory rape and he hasnt got the balls to fight nor face his responsibility,
i lived in with a guy i never loved only because of financial securities, coz my dad cant help and im not yet through college and in our country, if you are not atleast 2nd year college you cannot find a decent job. he imprison me for 4 years in our so called home, never let me go out and have friends,and everytime i try to leave him he threatens everyone, blackmail me so i have no choice but to go back to him. my dad wanted to help me but my stepmonster doesnt and so he has no choice cause like he said he depends on her cause she takes care of him..( my dad is 72 now and has emphysema) my stepmonster has a boyfriend and they have a daughter and they live with my dad (yes! including her boyfriend!) cause eversince she and my dad get married my dad is sexually incapable so thats his reason oh well.. but she wont let us stay at our dads because for her, me and my sister is kinda out of the family something like that.. i started getting hooked in drugs, cigar and alcohol at the age of 12 got rehabilitated 3 times (1 year is my longest stay) finally after my last rehab, i stopped taking drugs.. there are more but this is all im goin to say for now hihi..
sorry to say all of this i know you were looking for advice but all i said was some stupid stories of mine.. sorry lol..i just wanted to tell you that you are not alone, there are plenty of people who has problem like yours or worst.. and to think im only 22 and what more when i turn 40? i also wanted to be happy and im not giving up.. everything happens for a reason and so they say.. so come on lets enjoy life. God sure has plans for you.. may Godbless you!
and please don’t think of those stupid things anymore..