I am a 41 year old married male. Father of two late teenage girls and only child to elderly parents. Suicidal thoughts have plagued me for years. I have attempted it three or four times, sought some basic psychological help with anti-depressants. (Zoloft, Celexa, Wellbutrin) but that’s been it.
I have been self employed for 21 years except for 2. Not really successful but with my parents help I am worth close to a million dollars. Sounds good but I really struggle as all my assets are in real estate and need to be sold to get the money. Currently unemployed but still own my own company. I left for a few years to take a break and lost my job to budget cuts. I feel like a loser a lot of the time and I am told it too, so I guess they’re right. I used to be better but that time has gone and never will be back.
My wife and I do not get along, a lot my fault I am told but I did drink alot for a while and never made it home sometimes. I have threatened suicide a few times and she doesn’t care and my in-laws even said I don’t have the balls to do it and my wife did too. “I am looking for attention” they say. I guess I am but nobody is there.
I guess maybe I don’t have the balls (yet) because I think of my kids and parents who would be hurt the most. My wife will find someone, she already has male friends, so she will move on quickly. She does not love me anymore and you can see it in her face, tone, and general reactions towards me. I think things have gone beyond fixing. I have failed at buisness, life, husband and father.
I read alot of the other posters comments and I can see their pain and their reasons for thinking the way we do. The pain is like water boiling in a covered pot or tea kettle eventually the water loses to the heat because it has no where to go.
That is how I feel. I know I should be on medication because of how I think but I know it is a bandage and temporary. I suffer daily do not want to get of bed and am happy to stay home. The pain I have grows daily and the relief lessens. I too am tired. Tired of trying. If there is a God, and I hope there is, maybe I will find peace then…I hope. If not at least I won’t know the difference anyways.
I feel all your pain and wish all of you the best in coping with these awful thoughts. Please find a way to get through. I know I probably will do it one day probably soon but if I help save one other person especially someone young I would be happy.
Happy Holidays. God speed and peace.
Dad in MA