Iâ€™ve always been a rock for my friends and family; when my mom was thinking about divorcing my father, who is my world, I was there for her, when my closest friends found their lives falling apart, I was there for them, but now when Iâ€™m losing everything, Iâ€™m all alone. For the last two years I have been dying inside, and no one has even noticed.
For the most part, Iâ€™ve lived a privileged life. My parents were not always the best off, but I never went without, I rarely fight with my family, Iâ€™ve suffered no serious loss or illness and I am very smart. This is why no one sees that I am seriously depressed, because to them I have no reason to be. What they fail to see is that my own failures are destroying me and my health, though not a danger to my life, is keeping me from ever being loved. To keep it short, I had to bury my dream, twice, I was given an incurable STI by someone who lied to me and used me for sex, and everything Iâ€™ve attempted since then has ended in failure. I know my problems are minimal compared to those of others, but it doesnâ€™t mean that they do not hurt me any less.
What stings the most it that my closest friend, whose hand Iâ€™ve held through her own mental health and other embarrassing and painful issues, is actually getting mad at me for being sad and miserable. I even made a rather meek and feeble cry for help today, and in return I was told to go get â€œhappy pillsâ€. I mentioned taking my own life in the very near future and she cared enough to tell me to get f***ing happy pills! The only this she has achieved is to inspire me to live long enough just to spit her compassion back into her face when comes crying to me again.
In all honesty, I know that I donâ€™t want to die, I just want things to get better, but Iâ€™ve been waiting for a very, very, long time now, and everything is only getting worse. Nothing I do helps, nothing changes, nothing gets any easier, and I cannot continue living like this. In a sick way, it gives me comfort to think that this pain will only be for a little while longer, either because things start to turn around, or because Iâ€™ve had enough and have ended it myself. I know I wonâ€™t try anything until my dad comes home because cannot leave without telling him good-bye, but after that Iâ€™m not sure how much longer I can keep going all alone.
Sometime this week Iâ€™m going to renew my license and officially register as an organ donor to make sure that, when the time comes, my death will not be completely without benefit. Part of me actually thinks that Iâ€™m meant to die so that others can live and do great things.
Thank you for giving me the chance to say this, it takes a heavy load off of my heart. I pray that something will give and I will not have to continue any further down this very dark road, but itâ€™s out of my hands now, Iâ€™m beyond being able to save myself, I now need to be rescued. Please God, give me something to live for.