I’ve always been a rock for my friends and family; when my mom was thinking about divorcing my father, who is my world, I was there for her, when my closest friends found their lives falling apart, I was there for them, but now when I’m losing everything, I’m all alone. For the last two years I have been dying inside, and no one has even noticed.
For the most part, I’ve lived a privileged life. My parents were not always the best off, but I never went without, I rarely fight with my family, I’ve suffered no serious loss or illness and I am very smart. This is why no one sees that I am seriously depressed, because to them I have no reason to be. What they fail to see is that my own failures are destroying me and my health, though not a danger to my life, is keeping me from ever being loved. To keep it short, I had to bury my dream, twice, I was given an incurable STI by someone who lied to me and used me for sex, and everything I’ve attempted since then has ended in failure. I know my problems are minimal compared to those of others, but it doesn’t mean that they do not hurt me any less.
What stings the most it that my closest friend, whose hand I’ve held through her own mental health and other embarrassing and painful issues, is actually getting mad at me for being sad and miserable. I even made a rather meek and feeble cry for help today, and in return I was told to go get “happy pillsâ€. I mentioned taking my own life in the very near future and she cared enough to tell me to get f***ing happy pills! The only this she has achieved is to inspire me to live long enough just to spit her compassion back into her face when comes crying to me again.
In all honesty, I know that I don’t want to die, I just want things to get better, but I’ve been waiting for a very, very, long time now, and everything is only getting worse. Nothing I do helps, nothing changes, nothing gets any easier, and I cannot continue living like this. In a sick way, it gives me comfort to think that this pain will only be for a little while longer, either because things start to turn around, or because I’ve had enough and have ended it myself. I know I won’t try anything until my dad comes home because cannot leave without telling him good-bye, but after that I’m not sure how much longer I can keep going all alone.
Sometime this week I’m going to renew my license and officially register as an organ donor to make sure that, when the time comes, my death will not be completely without benefit. Part of me actually thinks that I’m meant to die so that others can live and do great things.
Thank you for giving me the chance to say this, it takes a heavy load off of my heart. I pray that something will give and I will not have to continue any further down this very dark road, but it’s out of my hands now, I’m beyond being able to save myself, I now need to be rescued. Please God, give me something to live for.
3 comments
Wow, I am having a lot of the same thoughts… all the way down to registering to be an organ donor. While the situation is a little different for me, a lot of the feelings are the same. I feel like we experience even greater guilt because we don’t have a “good reason” to be depressed. I have no right or reason to feel depressed and suicidal considering how privileged I am in comparison to others, but it is so hard not to. The guilt feels even worse when I think about how my family probably thinks I am “selfish” for feeling this way, when part of the reason I’m still here is because I could not do something like that to them. How do they feel making me stay here?
Sometimes I feel like things are turning around, and the next second I’m falling deeper into the hole. It is like my life was on track, then somehow deviated, and now I’m struggling majorly to get back on. I’m not sure what to say. For me, I am trying to become a doctor so that even if I feel like my life is just biding time, I can at least help someone who enjoys their life to live. I am hoping that I will not always feel this way: at the bottom of it, I just want things to get better, too (Yet, why is it so hard to go get real help?) I don’t necessarily want to die… rather, I just want it to not be such a struggle to want to live. Sometimes hope is so fleeting.
Ironic isn’t it? To pray to God for help…but, if I do pray tonight, I will for you. I hope things get better..åŠ æ²¹!
I know your feelings well. It’s so hard being the rock, the pillar, the fountain of strength for everyone, and having no-one to get strength from when you need it the most. You want to turn to friends and just cry. You want someone to tell you it’s going to all be alright. Well guess what..it might not be. You may spend the rest of your life being there for others to garner strength from. It it such a bad thing though. Its a selfless act, but how bad would a life of helping others ahead of yourself be? It will be trying and lonely, and you may have to give up some of your dreams (I know I have).
The only other options, if you intend and want to continue, is to find a source of strength for yourself. Some choose their god (If you believe in a god), and some choose strangers via the net to be that listening ear.
I hope you manage to find a way, but at least be aware you are not alone, and today at least you are in another persons thoughts.
I have been going through a lot of hurt today, and over the past few weeks much grief, loss and remorse. I have been thinking more and more lately of sticking a knife through my heart and getting it over with. Yet I just watched a sunset across a wintry landscape and I don’t know if I am ready to give that up yet. Maybe a few more sunsets. Hmmmm….
There are people who love me very much. If I kill myself they will feel the same hurt, loss and grief that I do now. I just picture my soul as not some abstract life force, but as myself with all my feelings, showing up at my own funeral. If that were to be true then I would feel even more remorse for having put everyone through that. My best friend killed herself when I was in college. I sat in the college cafeteria looking out the window. She was missing from my life and I could never put her back. OK, thoughts like this could screw up a perfectly good suicide.
So I tried another tactic. I stood looking in my bathroom mirror and asked myself if I could kill the person staring back at me. I liked the person I saw — a little dorky, with my hat on crooked and my clothes not hanging right. I have a kind face and the saddest eyes.
I actually can focus on little pleasures in life and find some measure of joy and comfort in them. Since I found I liked myself I can just hold myself and comfort myself.
I am just going to have to sit still and hurt some more. I don’t feel like I am suffering from depression and despair. Although I think of suicide a lot and am withdrawing I do make a point of connecting with people and am discovering I am able to connect in a more real way and be more present in the conversation. I am less reigned in and less reserved. I have been truly humbled by my experience and current situation. I don’t feel I have the answers any more so I sit and listen. My relationships with the people closest to me are improving greatly.
Friends and neighbors I run into daily on the path don’t see there is anything going on. They give a cheery hello and I give a cheery hello back and everyone looks like they buy it. The only two spotting something wrong looked scared and the husband asked me if anything was wrong. Both hold PhD’s in clinical psychology and are practicing psychotherapists. OK busted.
I don’t hold it against my family or friends for not noticing. I am not telling them anything. It would scare the wits out of them. They wouldn’t know what to do with my suicidal feelings. They would feel so helpless. If regular people could handle all the psychological events folks can go through in life, there would be no need for mental health professionals.
Right now it is hard to see what options are left me or what my life will eventually be like. Life can take such dramatic twists and turns, yet what comes of it all isn’t necessarily all bad. I have to remember that and remember, yeah I once could feel happy and love my life. I can find little moments and ways of feeling happy again until all this strong feeling passes.
Take care guys and thanks for the chance to share.