My particular story began in another country with different values than those expressed here. Poverty and fear was a standard fare. I remember the poverty and the fear of living with soldiers roaming around the streets. But that is not what caused me to arrive here on this site. When I was 9 in that other country, my brother began to sexually assault me and other kids living in the same house/apartment complex.
He would verbally abuse me and would be cruel and subjugating when no other people that could save were around. This went on for another 3 years. The immigration to the states and the subsequent feeling of abandonment became really strong as my family broke part and I was left alone with my abusive brother in a foster home. I recall expressively that around age 12 I began to have difficulties with life, felt angry and sad at the same time, extremely guilty and extremely afraid of my brother and eventually the world in general.
I grew up an angry child, started cutting and abusing myself around age 14 and began a long uniterrupted journey into psychotic episodes. I started to believe that I was not alone and that the faces and focus of people whom I met during the day or week or year where staring at me from the corners of my room. I remember being more afraid of those feelings then, than I am now.
as a subsequent result I seem to be experiencing CPTSD (closely resembles BPD) stemming from my childhood experiences. I recognize today that it was not my fault nor could I have done anything to protect myself from being victimized. I have done my best to stop the cycle of abuse by not “doing to others”.
So in short I feel shitty about myself all the time about my life expereince and days like today remind me of a solution that is not a solution at all but a way to give up. While I want to give up, I am afraid, terrified that in the darkness that is death, I will feel even more alone.
I tried to kill myself once when I was 15 using red devil draino; not recommended at all, it burns your mouth your esophagus and your stomach. I have had strong suicide thoughts since I started feeling bad about myself.
I am writing my story here because today is one of those days, but it is not THE day.
if I can encourage anyone to remember that : suicidal thoughts are lies
feeling shitty like we do (you and I) would not let one of OUR friends believe that suicide is a good solution. so why should we be special to be allowed to kill ourselves? remember that compassion you have for others and try to give yourself a break as you would others. It’s only fair.
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In my life, I feel drained, depressed, and not enjoying life at all. I feel like my dreams are all gone and that there isn’t really much of a reason to go on. I found one of the main reasons I have never ended my life though, and that is the need to help others. A lot those around me have had crappy lives, and I know some of them contemplate suicide too. For those, I lend them my strength, I give them some hope, and I try to set the example of going on with life no matter the hardships. If I were to give up, they may say to themselves, when thinking of me, “He was so strong, yet life and its hardships beat him. If he could not manage, how can I”, and that may lead to them giving up also.
I will not have the deaths of others on my concious, so I go on, I endure, and so should all. Just endure, all of you, as you never know what tomorrow will bring.