My particular story began in another country with different values than those expressed here. Poverty and fear was a standard fare. I remember the poverty and the fear of living with soldiers roaming around the streets. But that is not what caused me to arrive here on this site. When I was 9 in that other country, my brother began to sexually assault me and other kids living in the same house/apartment complex.
He would verbally abuse me and would be cruel and subjugating when no other people that could save were around. This went on for another 3 years. The immigration to the states and the subsequent feeling of abandonment became really strong as my family broke part and I was left alone with my abusive brother in a foster home. I recall expressively that around age 12 I began to have difficulties with life, felt angry and sad at the same time, extremely guilty and extremely afraid of my brother and eventually the world in general.
I grew up an angry child, started cutting and abusing myself around age 14 and began a long uniterrupted journey into psychotic episodes. I started to believe that I was not alone and that the faces and focus of people whom I met during the day or week or year where staring at me from the corners of my room. I remember being more afraid of those feelings then, than I am now.
as a subsequent result I seem to be experiencing CPTSD (closely resembles BPD) stemming from my childhood experiences. I recognize today that it was not my fault nor could I have done anything to protect myself from being victimized. I have done my best to stop the cycle of abuse by not “doing to others”.
So in short I feel shitty about myself all the time about my life expereince and days like today remind me of a solution that is not a solution at all but a way to give up. While I want to give up, I am afraid, terrified that in the darkness that is death, I will feel even more alone.
I tried to kill myself once when I was 15 using red devil draino; not recommended at all, it burns your mouth your esophagus and your stomach. I have had strong suicide thoughts since I started feeling bad about myself.
I am writing my story here because today is one of those days, but it is not THE day.
if I can encourage anyone to remember that : suicidal thoughts are lies
feeling shitty like we do (you and I) would not let one of OUR friends believe that suicide is a good solution. so why should we be special to be allowed to kill ourselves? remember that compassion you have for others and try to give yourself a break as you would others. It’s only fair.