I’ve been depressed before, but never like this. I’m young, but I’ve experienced my share of bad things. I’ve had my bestfriends die, been abused by a boyfriend, lost all of my friends… everything. I’ve thought about killing myself before too, but never this bad. I haven’t eaten or slept in days. The only person that seemed to care about me, left me. I love him. He told me we were always going to be together, and we had plans to get married and move in together. That’s all changed now, cause he “wants space”. I have no friends because thanks to him, all of my friends dislike me. I left all of my friends to spend every day with him. I loved it… he said he did… but I guess he lied. It seems like he’s lied to me about everything he’s ever said to me. I can’t deal with this pain I’m going through. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but it hurts like hell. Growing up, I was abused, and I was always the “ugly duckling”. My father never took care of me… my mom remarried to a man I strongly dislike… none of this may seem bad to you, but trust me, it hurts like hell. I’m starting to lose a lot of weight because I haven’t eaten. I’m not hungry. I don’t want to eat. I haven’t been able to sit for five minutes without crying. I hate this. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. The only reason I haven’t done anything, is because I don’t want to put my mother through pain. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be here writing this right now. I’ve experimented with a lot of drugs, and all that’s done is gotten me broke and made me feel worse the next day. I do feel that I need drugs to keep myself together though. What drugs have I done, you ask? I’d rather not say. Everyone in my family has a substance abuse problem. It’s hard to deal with. This pain that I feel is becoming unbearable and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I don’t know what I can do to help myself. I don’t want to be in a hospital, as much as that may help. I just want my head not to be as messed up as it is….
Can someone please help me?
4 comments
I think there are a few ways to help you. But I need you to understand the most important thing, my friend- not matter what you are going through, or no matter how bad the pain may be for you, you are NOT the first one to go through it and definitely NOT the only one currently feeling like you do now.
But from personal experience and what you probably are thinking now, the fact other random people you don’t know are suffering most likely doesn’t help you. I’ve been through a lot of the stuff you have been through. Having read your other entry, I can tell you are not a bad person and you have had a very rough life, and don’t let anyone tell you to “grow up” or get out of it. The things you went through are not just a small deal. You have had a lot to go through, and you should be proud of yourself that you have made it this far.
Listen, the woman I was going to marry, the only one I ever loved, changed her mind. My father left me too. My sisters screwed me up big time. I got into bad drugs as a teen. I hated my mother’s cynical attitude after my father left and hated everything about my existence. I had no friends and brought everyone around me down. I never excelled in anything too greatly. I understand pain and suffering just like you do. It’s like a gnawing pain in your mind; your life is consumed by it.
A good thing to remember is an analogy you may have read: that you should not consider yourself a bad, crazy, or terrible person for having suicidal thoughts (or rather in your case traumatic past experiences). When the pain outweights the coping resources, suicidal thoughts can occur. But saying this is just textbook stuff in my eyes, it doesn’t really mean anything. What I suggest (and what I did myself to cope with all my feelings) was to find something to cling on to.
What I mean by that is not another person. I mean finding something meaninful in your life to do. I don’t blame you for not wanting to go to a hospital. But you are *not* messed up! Please don’t think that. Honestly, all the people who have abused you are the ones messed up, not you. Especially your ex-boyfriend. He doesn’t sound like someone who deserves to be cared for by you, or rather anyone.
For me, you might be thinking what I did to overcome all this. It’s hard to overcome drugs first of all, especially hard ones, but I did it all through one thing I thought I could never have: willpower. I said to myself, “I WANT to quit.” Listen, just because your entire family, neighborhood community and their dogs are on drugs, doesn’t mean YOU have to be. You came here on this site because you want things to change, right?! Drugs aren’t keeping you together!! Only YOU are keeping yourself together! And you have no doubt tried your best for all these years. You being here shows that you are stronger than drugs, you are stronger than the people who abused you, and you are stronger than the pain!
You are very wrong about no one caring about you. I care. That is what I decided to do with my life! Helping others with their problems. You need to think about what you want to do with your life.
But where can we start? It’s very easy to answer this, and I think you know where it’s going. There are specialized people out there in support groups and communities that WILL help you. Improve your life, have a positive outlook, and take every day as a blessing. You’ll get new friends if you WANT to get new friends. You’ll feel happy if you WANT to feel happy. Start with small steps. Your change won’t happen overnight. I didn’t just tumble out of bed and suddenly decide I wanted to dump all my bad baggage and forget everything.
Remember that if you commit suicide, you are saying that the pain is stronger than you. If you commit suicide, you won’t feel anything at all- good or bad. You can’t say that you don’t have good memories, right?
Please think about these things seriously. This won’t be easy, but you can and hopefully will do these steps toward change. I do not think you want to die. There is help out there. All you need to do is accept that you need it. Honestly, having been dealing with suicidal people for over a decade I can tell you that the ones who don’t get help are the ones who rarely stop themselves from suicide. I had to get help myself. It is essential. You don’t have to live in a hospital, there are many alternative methods. Start by doing research in the area near you.
“Should I commit suicide?” Here is the one thing in your life you may feel you have significant power over. And that’s right, you very much do. Ultimately, the choice is up to you. Good luck.
Enough:
I hope this gets to you, and you did not take that final leap. I lost 3 family members to suicide. 2 of them hurt like no other pain I have ever felt. They were my kids. The tears even after 3 yrs. still burn into my heart, my soul. Indeed, suicide is a way to accomplish what a person sets out to do. My kids, I don’t think wanted to hurt me, but there is always that question, “did they?” They wanted to hurt someone else for that brief moment in their life. And they did. But only for awhile. For you see, that person went on with their life. For that I am grateful. But, the hell here on earth they left their family, for me, the ones that go on loving you until the day they die, is still there. Sure, we go on with our lives too, but it is never the same. The family chain is broken into silence. No answers. So, if you can just remove yourself from the feeling, that final moment between life and death, in just 5 minutes you can feel different. Live your life minute by minute until you can see a happier side of life. Learn to do it that way, minute by minute by minute. Please just try it. For me. A greiving mother that wants to spare another family from the pain we are having to live with. Pray for my other son, to your higher power, that he doesn’t give into his depression. I can’t talk to him, he doesn’t want to listen right now. For he too is lost.
A dear sweet friend of mine killed himself on Wednesday.
To all of you, I beg on my knees…….please reach out and get help. Please.
There are people out there that love you. You are not alone, despite the darkness that you feel.
Please live. Please get help and live.
your not the only one i to have wanted to die for many years you might not want to hear this from a 14yr old but it helps i was hospitalized and it was the worst just hang in there.
For all of us we care for you, you may not believe us but we do