I just don’t know anymore

  January 27th, 2009 by brandon

i’ve felt this way before, but not for a long time. and it scares me. i don’t even know what i’m feeling anymore. i’m always mad and tired. i’m working two jobs, quiting one in 2 weeks or less(probably get fired when they know i’m writing this at work, but i don’t care…). i finally have a girlfriend that truly love me, which scares the hell out of me, i’m doing good in both of my jobs, but i have to quit one or i’ll go insane(again). money problems are terrifing me, but i don’t have any. i think it is because, for the first time in my life, ever, things are looking up, and i don’t know how to handle it. i just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for ever.
i always thought by now i’d be someone to more then just 3 people. i thought i’d be in college (quite after 1 week) living in a great house (shi**y one room apartment with no heating. but i have a freaking 72in tv damn it), married with a kid, and/or have a successful career. maybe i put too much on myself.
my childhood was okay, but not great by any means. parents divorced, had to live with my dad. (he cheated on my mom with a woman that was seeing my cousin at the time). my step-“mother” HATED me and made my life hell. dad beat me all the time for her; help choked me once, threw me (by the neck) in my batroom all the time. i wasn’t allowed to leave my room for anything. she refuse to fix me food (i lived on bolonanga sandwiches for 4 months) or do my laundry. i didn’t even know i had a step brother untill 3 months after he was born; even then i wasn’t allowed to touch him (i think maybe she thought i would break him, i donno).
school was much of a release. teachers, i should say teacher, was singleing me out for everything. my mom came to pick me up one day and the teacher was yelling at me cause this kid was jumping on my back and i didn’t want to give him a piggy back ride. this was 3rd grade. my sister heard our mom yell at the teacher in 7th grade, 2nd floor.
god mom was good to me. she tried her best. one day i guess i pissed off dad more the usual and he kick me and my sister (of good measure) out at 2am while it was snowing, but not before saying that i wasn’t hios son and that if i was i was a mistake and i was never allowed to see him again
sister went over to the neighbors house and called mom, who was over an hour away.
we went to live with mom after that. she was living with her boyfriend at the time. he wasn’t any better then my dad. i still remember the day he raped her in front of me (it wasn’t till i was in h.s. that i learned what he was doing. i was 6 or 7, i thought he was trying to kill her. i was so scared, i didn’t knwo what to do)
she left him, the tried to commit suicide. she went to a hospital and we where back at dads. 4 months later, i moved back in, but my sister stayed. when my dad lost an election to be sheriff, my step mother was assamhed and move them all to FL (her, dad, sister, 2 half brothers, though i know one of them isn’t my fathers)
mom was going though “boyfriends” only because she loved me; we needed a place to stay. she was in and out of the hospital.
my dad finally divorced my s.m. and tried to make up with me. for so strange reason, i didn’t want to have anything to do with him.
me and mom moved again (32nd time i think) to our own palce. this school (#12) wasn’t much better. kids where horrible to me. i was in the 5th grade and probably weighted 285lbs. i was suran wrapped to a telephone pole once ( i thought they would let me be their friend if i let them. stupid) and they all had paintball guns…
i had been in the hospital a few times before this school for suicide and other things (i became a gueinie pig for a lot of drugs. seriquel was one; turns out it causes people to have seziures and shit) one day i had had enough and punched a kid out cold.
next stop, an “alternative” school called Garrison.
worst 4 years of my life. that school needs to be torn down.
while there, i meet a girl. she had paintballed my towns city hall, my dads squad car (he moved next door and became a cop again) his reg. car and his house. i dated her for a week. i was 14. she was 17. she was my “first” she is now going out WITH my dad…what pissed me off is i found this out by seeing them make out at wal-mart. EVERYONE else in my family knew, but didn’t want to tell me
i was still considered a student at the last school, and they thought Garrison wasn’t any goood either. so i was sent to a private school called Chaddock. best 2 years in my life.
right after chaddock, i was accepted into wiu. i lasted a week cause i was scared and home sick (i had to live a chaddock those 2 years.)
i’m no saint, so don’t feel too sorry for me. i throw my mom though a wall once, and i guess i did other stuff i don’t remeber unless she or someone else tells me. don’t knwo why..
i move out when i was 19. have had 26 jobs before that, 13 since then. (most where with temp angencies)
i now work delivering pizzas and at a hotel. i am quiting the hotel to try and become a manager at the pizza place. this isn’t what i had in mind for my life.
this past month has been hell for me for some reason, and i just don’t think i can take much more. i couldn’t kill myself cause i know what it would do to my mom and aunt mary. they are the only reasons i’m not doing it, among others.
i think i just needed to get it out. i am feeling alittle bit better right now. i donna, maybe i just need to get it out. i have to go now, it is time for me ot get breakfast ready for our guest. thanks for listening

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