I think I have been suicidal since…well, my entire life. I’m only 26 but that thought has been with me for as long as I can remember. In my childhood/teens, I didn’t articulate it as ” i want to die”, rather, I daydreamed about dying, being kidnapped by aliens–I just wanted to be gone, forever. When people would ask me “what do you want to do when you’re old?” I had nothing to answer-not because I lacked ambition or imagination, rather, it was because I never believed I would get old. I didn’t think I would actually live.
Then, one day, it came to me as a revelation: I could end all this now, if only I had the courage. I have wanted to disappear since forever, but at 19 I realised I had the means to do it. I have never acted upon it but I think about it every other day. When I feel my life is spinning out of control, I comfort myself with the idea of death.
Curiously, knowing that i have the liberty, the control, to at least choose if I live or die, gives me the energy to go through the day. I re-negotiate that contract with myself on a weekly basis.
Writing about it, I realize: I don’t really want to die, but the problem is, I don’t really want to live neither. I’m scared shitless-of everything- and the thought of suicide is my security blanket.
I know taking medication would probably solve most of my so-called problems. But i don’t wanna be medicated. I still want to be able to feel. And when it all becomes too much, I might do it.
The worst in this, is not being able to talk to anybody about it. I cannot imagine dropping the s-bomb on anybody I love. I would hurt them too much and I’d feel even worse.