I think I have been suicidal since…well, my entire life. I’m only 26 but that thought has been with me for as long as I can remember. In my childhood/teens, I didn’t articulate it as ” i want to die”, rather, I daydreamed about dying, being kidnapped by aliens–I just wanted to be gone, forever. When people would ask me “what do you want to do when you’re old?” I had nothing to answer-not because I lacked ambition or imagination, rather, it was because I never believed I would get old. I didn’t think I would actually live.
Then, one day, it came to me as a revelation: I could end all this now, if only I had the courage. I have wanted to disappear since forever, but at 19 I realised I had the means to do it. I have never acted upon it but I think about it every other day. When I feel my life is spinning out of control, I comfort myself with the idea of death.
Curiously, knowing that i have the liberty, the control, to at least choose if I live or die, gives me the energy to go through the day. I re-negotiate that contract with myself on a weekly basis.
Writing about it, I realize: I don’t really want to die, but the problem is, I don’t really want to live neither. I’m scared shitless-of everything- and the thought of suicide is my security blanket.
I know taking medication would probably solve most of my so-called problems. But i don’t wanna be medicated. I still want to be able to feel. And when it all becomes too much, I might do it.
The worst in this, is not being able to talk to anybody about it. I cannot imagine dropping the s-bomb on anybody I love. I would hurt them too much and I’d feel even worse.
5 comments
I now exactly how you feel about not expecting to live that long. I was the same way….I always assumed I die really young either by suicide or some other way. I am currently 22 and I feel like I should be dead by now…I find myself facing choices that I never thought I would have to make (such as those involving a career) because I never thought I would be alive. It is a very strange feeling.
if you ever want someone to talk too, here’s my email: harber_a@yahoo.com
anytime please, it won’t bother me
You said everything for me. That is precisely what I feel.
Worse than the pain of living is the torment of hurting someone you care about.
Life is a *****, huh?
i feel excatly the same as you. i know what you mean about sucide being the only thought that gets you through the day. I feel the same way. Its like a back up plan. If things ever get too rough there is always a way out. I don’t want to take medication either because what if a chance for happiness came along I would be too drugged up to notice it.
i said the same exact sentence to one of my teacher long time ago” i don t want to live but i don t want to die either”. does it mean we are actually one of the rare human being actually truly in the moment. i did re negociate my life every week, now i am 36 and it’s more every month. yes the back up plan. i do realize as well how empty i feel in that society. many of us only do fill up their passage on earth. Having kids is one of the option, working as a dog, yes i forgot the shopping, the booze, the drug, all the same thing with a different spelling. Today i really want to commit suicide only because that realization about the constant ”escape”/ thus i do feel like i am not escaping at all at the moment , i m facing one 100% everything. i never been that broke, that lonely, that vulnerable, that compassionate. i am wised but bored out of my mind even if i am not a stupid person. life seems as a masquerade. people speeding in every direction to keep BUSY THeN EXHAUSTED,THEN BUSY AGAIN. i see life as a shelf with a bunch of empty spaces getting progressively stuffed by a bunch of fat folders til it breaks down. and then what? what do we know about love? not what we made out of those 4 letters used in every sauce those days. But maybe looking for the first time without being a coward at that emptiness, it s actually an interesting accomplishment.