I’ve been hospitalized for suicide attempts before…I didn’t like it. I used to cut myself and didn’t care if anyone saw me do it or saw the outcome. I’ve begun to cut myself once again. I know I need help but the hard part is asking for it. I was molested by my father when I was 14. That was the hardest year of my life. I remember having to go to court on my birthday. Nothing was done with the case because there was no physical evidence so i lied and said he raped me. I wanted him to be punished for what he did. However, that didn’t help. I had to go back to court, talk to my psychologist, and face my family. It was hard. After that is when i tried to kill myself. I remember walking into the kitchen and grabbing the biggest knife I could find. I placed it against my throat and was about to slice through my flesh when my mom walked in. She immediately grabbed me from the floor and took the knife from my hands. She called my psychologist and then took me to the hospital. I was only there for six days…I don’t think it helped. As a matter of fact I know it didn’t help. It wasn’t too long after that when I became depressed again. I was on three different types of anti-depressants and none were working. So I stopped taking them. I still take meds today…when I choose to…it’s not like they help…but I feel horrible. I cry for no reason. My stomach hurts all the time, so does my head. I vomit after I eat. I’m always so cold. I have come to believe that I can’t get out of this “funk”. I just need to know that there is someone out there that can help me. I know there are others out there who feel the same way. But I don’t think I can go on any longer like this. If anyone responds, I just ask one thing. Please don’t judge me.
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Hi,
I know how tough it is to feel how you are describing. I think the first thing to remember is that its not your fault for feeling bad about yourself, and that its not your fault as to what your father did to you. Its important because when you let that guilt come out and face the lies in your mind and feelings the shame feels more manageable and its a good first step to help rebuild your self image.
I can speak from experience and I can tell you that it is not easy but it is well worth the effort. You just have to use therapy to work through the negative self image and the shame associated.
The way medication works is to used on a daily basis; it takes some time to kick in but it will. I personally use and like prozac, mainly because it seems to me like the least dangerous to my liver, and its effective for me. I helps me to raise my mood and helps me to see better the lies my feelings and mind are telling me.
I do suggest you start taking your meds, and see your therapist. If you feel the therapist is not a good fit for you (too pushy, own agenda, annoying, whatever), remember that you can fire them just as much as they can fire you. You are in control of the session because you want to express what hurts.
I know its hard to believe but only you can start the first step to feeling better and the first step is to stake the meds and see a therapist that feels right for you. You will know if he/she is right.
I dont know if my comment helps, but it has been my experience seeing numerous therapists since I was 17.
Hi There, you are not alone.
I am here. I am new to this site, but I hear you. And I am listening to you. Your letter, touched me.I do NOT judge anyone, by the way.
I don’t cut myself, but I do feel my free will, my decision making,and my health is just getting worse, but it’s not supposed to. Fibromyalgia is not progressive. RA can get worse. My mind well, it is listening to my body. And my thoughts are getting dark these past few weeks. My thoughts are so dangerous to my well being, I blame my health issues, for these dark feelings. Just because I am so tired of the 24/7 pain. I am so very tired of this pain.
I have been told before, from various professional people, the past can’t hurt me. Yes I notice myself always taking about the past. Pets, High School, wow, lot’s there, my ‘challenging childhood’, friends and events back then, in the past. But I am trying to change.
Look at me … I responded to your posting, because it really struck a cord. I to have several (3) unsuccessful suicides. The first one was the closest to a successful suicide. But I am still here. This goes back about 12 years ago, when I decided that suicide was NO longer an option for me. But again my health issues, brought all these thoughts are coming back.
What I am trying to say is, email me, we can talk. I can try to help … heaven knows I am great helper etc, just not able to help myself. I am too tough on myself. Sorry I tend to get carried away, when I start, I just keep going and going, like the little pink bunny, ew, forget that statement. Email me if you feel comfortable. Okay ? maderd@sympatico.ca
i understand.
if only i could you help you.