Just want to be heard.

It’s me again. I made an appointment with a counselor, but they canceled on the day of the appointment.
I really don’t know what to do. I could call them back, and make another appointment, but during my wait
for my first appointment my thoughts of suicide increased. Tonight I sit here looking up different ways
to commit suicide, and finding that my old resources for keeping myself alive have grown smaller, the voice
telling me the consequences and the emotions my family will go through has become quieter. I sit here tonight
feeling like there is a bubble inside my head. There is a buzzing in my ears and I feel as though I am going to puke.

I waited for my boy-friend to go to sleep, watching the clock, counting the hours it would take to figure out
an effective way, calculating how much time I have before my boy-friend’s alarm clock goes off. I want to stick
with my usual way, pills and booze, but I remember that morning a long time ago, waking up and seeing the
faces of the people I loved looking down on me in anger and concern. Do I really want to risk that again?

Then I run into vanity when I think of other ways. Hanging or asphyxiation is my second choice of suicide,
but I don’t want to be found in that situation. Swollen and purple, urinating and defecating on myself, a horid
sight for my boy-friend to stumble upon. I imagine seeing my dead body will do enough damage, so why put
him through more then is needed? That is my inner voice trying to talk me down from my ledge, telling me
not to because of who I would hurt. I am a contradiction in myself, wanting to die and end it all without hurting
anyone else in the process, but I’m not stupid. I understand that the taking of my life will affect those around me.

My ears continue to buzz, so hard it feels like they will begin to bleed soon. I’m looking for a way out, but
just like my life, there are nothing but closed doors in my face, holding me back from even this. I read through
this site, and still check it regularly, I came across the post of someone with OCD, who planned out what he/she
called the perfect suicide. It sounds perfect, but I fear I don’t have enough pills, nor are they effective enough.
I’m thinking of taking all the pain killers and aspirin, then drinking all the tequila and vodka I have in the
house.

I think that would do it, if I time it right. I can also go for the fall-back plan on laying on my back after doing so,
so that even if I throw up, I drown in my unconsciousness. Even that sounds a bit grotesque, but it’s the best
thing I’ve got since I have no access to a gun. I just don’t know right now.

I don’t want to be told that suicide is wrong, or to think about what tomorrow might bring, because I know
what tomorrow will bring. The same routine I have ran for two years. I wake up, watch tv, eat dinner,
take a shower and go back to sleep.