I don’t want to go into a lot of detail about how I got to where I’m at so I’ll keep things short, I have a beautiful wife which I love dearly and 4 beautiful daughters. I am fairly sure that my wife is no longer in love with me, and she is very unhappy with where we are living and wants to move back to her home town- leaving me with the dilema of losing her (my best freind and wife) and 2 of my daughters, or moving with her and losing my other 2 daughters (from previous marriage). And as if having to chose between the 2 parts of what makes you who you are isn’t enough, I’m also trying to cope with this woman who I’m so in love with falling out of love with me, and my financial situation is beyond bad. My wife was laid off , and I’ve been trying and trying to make ends meet with my full time job and working other jobs as they come available, but I have to say- I’m failing- I can’t do it, I just can’t get caught up, bills are behind, collections are calling, and I can’t help but think about my family’s future. As a man, I feel my responsiblity is to provide for my family and create the opportunity for happiness for them: I’m not doing it, I’m trying, but it’s not happening, we’re broke, my wife’s unhappy, and I’m facing losing 2 of my children. I try to look to the future for hope that something will make things better, but there isn’t anything that’s ever going to happen to change the situation I’m in (financial-possibly, but nothing else). As I sit and look at what options are available, I really am only seeing one. I have an excellent life insurance policy through my employer, and with AD&D it nearly doubles. I’ve considered what it would mean, my daughters wouldn’t have a father, but they’re young enough that I think they’d be OK, after all I’ll be losing 2 of them whether I live or not, not to mention I’m not exactly the greatest father to them now, I’m usually telling them to go play while I’m busy trying to work or something. So my kids, although would miss me, would have stability and money for college and an opportunity for happiness and a brighter future. My wife, well, I know she’d be ok- she wouldn’t have to worry about anything, she’d be left with a large amount of money and could move on and find true happiness back home, I know our 2 girls would be in good hands with her. I don’t have any real freinds or family- I’m somewhat close to my mom, but mostly I think her love for me only goes as far as 2 of my daughters, otherwise I have no one else. I think about dying everyday when I wake up, all througout the day, and still am when I go to sleep at night. I drive a lot, so I constantly am hoping for a fatal accident, I think daily “if a drunk driver were to hit me and kill me, my family would be set”.
I’m not planning to do anything, but I know the “warning signs” are suicidal thoughts, researching methods, etc., and the more I read, the more scared I get. I’ve got no one to talk to, no one to help me, and although I’ve got the 5 most beautiful women in the world around me everyday, I feel so incredibly alone. I’ve lost my ability to cope with all life keeps throwing at me, and I’m running out of options.
thanks for hearing me out.
bless you all!!