My Hamster Wheel

  January 17th, 2009 by btru2utoo

Family – Grad School – Career – Children – Friends – Volunteering – Pets – Chores – Homework

It is like being in a hamster wheel – exhausting – constant – never ending

But, I am all smiles, say the right things, act the right way, look the right way – 4.0 , suck up at work, good to my one living parent, devoted wife, adoring mommy…

Everyone always wants another piece of me. How much can I give? During these times, I turn off my switch. I am in my twenties now and I have learned how to go numb.

Some thoughts you cannot control. Thoughts of me turning the car into a pole, fantasies of going to sleep and not waking up, visions of slicing that juicy spot on my flesh… again.

Flashes of the abuse – the pain, the humiliation, the fear, the disgust, the blood, the anger, the rage, the numbness, I am sick of discussing these things.

Thoughts of my mom’s death always override her life – so unfair to her memory, I hate that about me. Sadness flooding that she couldn’t attend my wedding, my college graduation, never know my son. Flashes of picking out my wedding stuff alone and sad, staring at that mother and daughter arguing over what cards to buy.

I want to die. I am ready. I hope God forgives me.

It is quite simply really.

But I will not put the ones who love me through the pain that I live with… Soooooooo…..

Back to my cage, my wheel, the never ending cycle.

Time to go numb, again.

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