My Madness

My story is maybe one that someone could relate.

At 13 I was fondled by an older man who lived down the street. This event never went more than that one time he did this to me. I coped, avoided, and made it past. When I was 16 my parents had me committed to a mental hospital. I cat myself at a camp. This stay at the hospital only helped as I understand what is wrong with me. Manic depressive. Aside from that knowledge, and many different pill trials, Nothing changed. I said what I knew would get me out once I was tired of being there. Since I have been coping with being bi-polar for almost 19 years without medication. At 18 I was living on the street. Educational as I realized I had no idea what life was really about. Yet again, nothing horrendous and I coped and made it past. When I was 22 I met someone online. Them and their mother came to meet me. We ‘fell in total love’ and I moved 500 miles from anything I knew. After being there a year I proposed. At that time I thought she was to be 19 on her birthday. The truth came out finally that she was 15 going on 16. Sad, and many who read this may think there is no way I could have been blind to this. I felt trapped as she had already been sharing a bed with me for months, the whole time her mother letting me think she was 18. We lived in her house. Eventually this came to an end and I made it past this. The only other bare facts about my life are I grew up near poverty level, survived my parents going bankrupt, my fathers attempted suicide, my mother is nearly legally insane. And of course deaths in close family.

Today I am 35 years old. Happily married to someone who is my other half. Yet this past weekend something has happened that I am beginning to believe I can no longer handle. My 14 year old niece, would have been daughter and because of an adoption is also my sister-in-law, thought she might be pregnant. No big deal honesty. The metaphorical punch line to this horrible fact: she said it was because I raped her. This accusation is 110% false. But the damage is already being done. She refuses to say it is a lie. She has been sexually active. So here I am looking at the chance of 7-9 months in jail (whatever age a fetus must be to test) all because she refuses to name who ever she had sex with. Refuses to say anything except I raped her. To make this cake worse, she tried to stir into the mix I had also been molesting her for 6-8 months prior.

Before I married my wife I realized that this girl and her brother were ‘part of the package’. And in three years, this girl made me into her idol. Called me dad. Yet she has accused me of rape. Out of everything in my life I do not think I can survive this. My in-laws (her guardians) say out loud they do not believe this. I know they wonder, who wouldn’t. The kicker is it apparently happened in bed right beside my wife. She knows as good as I do this has not happened, hell, she was there. The girl fell asleep beside my wife and 30-45 minutes later I left the room knowing the three of us in one bed was a bad idea and it is only a full size so the room was nil.

Right now as I right this I fear this 14 year old girl. Fear how many friends at school she may be telling, this is a small town of 2200 people. I fear who will hear this lie, the damage has already been done. I just want to die than to feel this pain any longer. I want to kill my wife so she quits hurting. She was in this girl’s life since birth. She wants to die so the pain stops. All I can think is if the girl is pregnant, who would even doubt it was me? Who will believe me besides my wife who was there? The real kicker is I will be the second person she has said raped her. To show how much the girl needs help, her guardian (my wife’s father) when the family recently had a ‘conference’ thought he was going to be the accused. There have been multiple ‘family’ meetings, none of which I was not welcome to attend (or would have since this incident) as the girl lives there. I have already passed on through my wife everything from questions that would prove this didn’t happen to I will subjugate myself to any test (if there are any) to prove this did not happen. Yet the pain and damage may never go away. Hell, I even tried to start a fire in the office and went to bed. Saying to myself let God decide… there are some partially burnt papers still laying there. Yes, I understand and know I should seek help. I am trying to start here and now. What little I do sleep, I dream of how to kill myself, or murder that girl, etc etc. The biggest twist is my wife and self are worried about that girl. If the pain doesn’t ease on both of us, we may be on the news.