February 9th, 2009 by Alexis

“If it makes you happy then why the hell are you so sad?”
I ask myself that question everyday, I have a decent life. Nothing horrible by far, and yet I feel like I’m nothing.

I’ve spun out of control and I can’t stand myself anymore.
I have friends
I have family
I have a home, materialistic items, the world’s at my finger tips

and I don’t want it.

I’m pushing everything away, I feel I am a burden to my friends and family and I have no one to talk to.
I’ve tried to kill myself 3 times before and nothing has worked…partly because I didn’t want it too and partly because I’m such a complete fuck up that I can’t even kill myself correctly. I took 11 Oxicodones about 30 minutes ago…I hope they work
I just want someone to talk to so bad but I’m scared…scared to talk to the people I know
I used to talk to my best friend about it…and that caused me to loose her (I think)
I’m afraid if I talk to anyone else about it I will loose them too
I just want someone to hear me…to see me…to give me advice, to slap me into reality

Make me feel something

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