I am so tired.

February 13th, 2009by usvi

I keep “putting one foot in front of the other”, saying the mantras, talking about it, keep on keeping on, railing against the unfairness of it all, being angry, crying, talking about it, writing, talking about how angry I am, being frustrated, talking about how frustrated I am, and being stuck in the same cycle of emotions. I can’t take any more rejection. I look at what I was a few years ago and can’t fathom how I got to this point AGAIN. Suicidal thinking (and two attempts) have been an ongoing theme in my life for a long, long time. The pain doesn’t go away. A life-long friend of mine told me NY Eve that I needed to find joy in something, but my moments of joy become fewer and fewer. I got a new puppy recently, which gives me moments of joy, and the older dog is a constant source of unconditional love. But at the end of the day, neither of these beautiful creatures can give me a job, or help clear my debt or give me the self-love I so desperately need to find. The deterrent: I would screw this up and not do it right just like everything else in my life and be someone’s burden, or worse; be alone at the mercy of a hostile care-giver and not be able to voice it to anyone. There are worse things than death; like surviving death and knowing how it feels to go to that place. I remember the feeling of struggling for life while it was being choked out of me, then acceptance, then waking up thinking that I couldn’t believe I wasn’t dead. Then, wanting to go there again. The circumstances that lead me to this have been cumulative, over a period of probably 30 years. I’ve had therapy, drugs (prescription and not), alcohol, relationships, geographical relocations, attempts, and I still can’t find peace or happiness.

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