I cant do this anymore

  February 16th, 2009 by ill never b the same

ok, I am sick of hearing life is what you make it. Then how come whwenever I try and make it better, it just gets worse? I feel like everyday I am losing even more of my life. It’s like it’s slipping away right in front of my eyes. I dont have the strength inside of me anymore to even try and live. I lay in bed all the time just thinking to myself, maybe I should just take too many pills (in which case I have done this before on purpose. I have been hospitalized 4 times for being “suicidal”) or maybe I should just take my car and drive as fast as I can and crash. Nobody understands what I am going through. I was raped in December of 2008. By my moms boyfriend she met online. I had to go to court for it (I still do, I am not sure when it will be over) He just recently got released from jail. When it happened, I moved in with my aunt and uncle and their kids. I was so furious with my mom for bringing him into our home (he lives like 7 states away) after only knowing him for a few weeks. My entire family knew about what happened the night I went and lived with my aunt and uncle. I didn’t want them to know. I am only a senior in high school so of course all my teachers knew because when I had to miss school because of court, and even my workplace knows about it because that was when my aunt and uncle and mom all found out was when I was at work and my aunt n uncle came to try and get me to leave with them. (they knew because I had told the school nurse and she called my aunt and uncle and told them I needed to stay with them) I feel like everywhere I go, people know about it and are talking about me when I walk by. I got so frustrated with school and people talking about it that I dropped out. I finally moved back in with my mom and ever since I did, my entire family completely cutt off contact with me. Did I do the right thing by moving back to my own house? ( which by the way, he isn’t at anymore, he hasn’t been bc of being in jail, he went back to ga when he was reased) My mom and I want to move out of state and try and start over, but we dont have enough money right now. I dont work anymore ( i had quit when I moved inwith my aunt and uncle) and I dont go to school. I have taken pills (not prescribed to me) to try and feel anything other than what I am. I have been drinking until I pass out so I can stop thinking. I so badly just want to die. I feel like I have nothing in my life to look forward too. No job, high school drop out, and no friends. I dont have anyone I can talk to about what I am still going through. I feel so alone. I feel like I always make the wrong choice or say the wrong thing. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. And I cry all the time. I even still cut to make sure I can feel and so that I know I am still alive…..I even think about cutting so deep that I die from blood loss………..I feel like if I never told anyone what happened, then my family wouldn’t be so split up right now. I dont know what to do… Please help!!!!!!!

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