ok, I am sick of hearing life is what you make it. Then how come whwenever I try and make it better, it just gets worse? I feel like everyday I am losing even more of my life. It’s like it’s slipping away right in front of my eyes. I dont have the strength inside of me anymore to even try and live. I lay in bed all the time just thinking to myself, maybe I should just take too many pills (in which case I have done this before on purpose. I have been hospitalized 4 times for being “suicidal”) or maybe I should just take my car and drive as fast as I can and crash. Nobody understands what I am going through. I was raped in December of 2008. By my moms boyfriend she met online. I had to go to court for it (I still do, I am not sure when it will be over) He just recently got released from jail. When it happened, I moved in with my aunt and uncle and their kids. I was so furious with my mom for bringing him into our home (he lives like 7 states away) after only knowing him for a few weeks. My entire family knew about what happened the night I went and lived with my aunt and uncle. I didn’t want them to know. I am only a senior in high school so of course all my teachers knew because when I had to miss school because of court, and even my workplace knows about it because that was when my aunt and uncle and mom all found out was when I was at work and my aunt n uncle came to try and get me to leave with them. (they knew because I had told the school nurse and she called my aunt and uncle and told them I needed to stay with them) I feel like everywhere I go, people know about it and are talking about me when I walk by. I got so frustrated with school and people talking about it that I dropped out. I finally moved back in with my mom and ever since I did, my entire family completely cutt off contact with me. Did I do the right thing by moving back to my own house? ( which by the way, he isn’t at anymore, he hasn’t been bc of being in jail, he went back to ga when he was reased) My mom and I want to move out of state and try and start over, but we dont have enough money right now. I dont work anymore ( i had quit when I moved inwith my aunt and uncle) and I dont go to school. I have taken pills (not prescribed to me) to try and feel anything other than what I am. I have been drinking until I pass out so I can stop thinking. I so badly just want to die. I feel like I have nothing in my life to look forward too. No job, high school drop out, and no friends. I dont have anyone I can talk to about what I am still going through. I feel so alone. I feel like I always make the wrong choice or say the wrong thing. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. And I cry all the time. I even still cut to make sure I can feel and so that I know I am still alive…..I even think about cutting so deep that I die from blood loss………..I feel like if I never told anyone what happened, then my family wouldn’t be so split up right now. I dont know what to do… Please help!!!!!!!
4 comments
1: I hate that song!
2. You can try to go back to school. Public schools take in just about everyone.
3. I have nothing against cutting but if you do start fresh and go to a new school, it’s easier to make friends when you don’t scare people. (And cutting has a tendency to do just that)
4. You family probably doesn’t know what to say. Your mom probably feels terrible.
5. For the sleeping problem, just remember that when you’re asleep, you’re not awake. Okay, that sounds obvious, but it means that you’re not consciouses and don’t really have to think or feel anything. Having sleep also makes everything make more sense… As I write this at 2 in the morning!
Wow, it hasn’t been very long since this all started, so of course you are still reeling with shock and confusion about all this. Remember, it wasn’t your fault this all happened. You couldn’t have kept it a secret because then you would be just as torn up inside, if not more, and you would have no one to support you. Plus, your mom wouldn’t have got rid of the f%%&wit.
When I was in my 2nd to last year of school, I had several suicide attempts and hospital admissions, which totally interrupted my scooling. Then I tried to get a job in McDonalds and got rejected as I had just turned 18. I felt like a drop out with no prospects too.
Now, I am 30 and I have one more year of my degree before I will be a Registered Nurse. Trust me, things DO get better. It is too early for you yet. You and your family still need to process what has happened. take it a step at a time. You could keep a journal to help you deal with your thoughts and feelings. Watch out for the cutting as when you go for a job, you don’t want scars to stigmatise you. I know this from personal experience. And sometimes those scars don’t fade as soon as you thought they would, or at all *cringe*.
Anyhow, good luck and don’t expect miracles over night. You have been very brave and this is not a life sentence. You need to give yourself time to heal. My thoughts are with you for your court case, be strong. I just want you to know that people do get out of the situation you are in, and their life does go back to normal.
katios, crazy cares
well its up to you to decide when you want to start putting your life back together…sometimes you just have to quit thinking about doing something and just do it… I recently got my friend to start adult school to get his GED which is equivalent to high school diploma…You could start there…just a suggestion though… or you could email me at wrestlerjerry@yahoo.com anytime you need someone to talk to, same goes for anyone reading this feel free to email me anytime, im up till all hours of the morning…