is this it??
is this all we have,, all we live for??
sometimes,, it doesnt seem quite enoughh..
also,, if it is,, then whyy do we suffer like this??
im now going to bore youu withh myy storyy althoughh i hope some people realise theyy are not the onlyy ones out there& if anyone ever needs anyyone to talkk to,, im here..
it started when i was about eight.. i was myy birthdayy& i went swimming withh some of myy friends.. it was great fun,, until myy mum got called out… i will never forget the tears& the lookk on here face when she came backk.. a lookk of pure horror.. an amount of tears that lookked like theyy could easilyy fill the pool five times over& i just stood there& watchhed,, myy whole world crashing down,, i knew exactlyy what had happened,, she’d gone,, but i was still.. i couldnt move.. if i got out,, myy friends would follow but i didnt want to have fun anyymore.. so i just stood there,, still,, watching her..
afterwards,, in the car,, theyy told me.. your nans died& i just sat there,, in shockk,, just numb..
myy nan had basiclyy raised me,, she was myy best friend,, myy everything.. i trusted no-one but her& she had left me to face all of this on myy own.. i didnt know how to cope..
not long afterwards,, i was diganosed withh depression.. yeahh,, and eight year old withh depression.. i just couldnt cope.. i also started dieting more& more because it was myy wayy of coping,, i hated myyself so i restricted myy diet& hid myself awayy from the world.. i hated everything..
when i was about ten,, myy dieting became more serious.. it wasnt dieting anyymore,, it was starvation.. at most,, per dayy,, i would eat a little,, side plates worthh of food for dinner,, awayy from everyone else.. when i did eat,, more than i big plate full of food,, i would make myself be sickk until there was nothing but water,, blood& stomachh lining coming up.. at first,, it started of withh a few dayys at a time withh nothing but a glass of ice cold water,, but then i became a weekk,, then a monthh,, then,, just as long as i could get awayy withh withhout being found out& made to eat or passing out& being taken to hospital.. i still wasnt satisfied withh myy bodyy& myself& everything around me thoughh,, so,, whilst starving myself,, i would still make myself be sickk..
youu can probablyy guess the effects of making yourself be sickk around five to ten times a dayy withh an emptyy stomachh thats been emptyy for around a monthh.. well its not good and althoughh its not as bad,, i still suffer from anorexia and bulimia now& im sixteen..
whilst all of above was happening,, myy friends around me,, myy life,, i lost them.. some i just lost their friendship but a lot a lost completlyy& i miss them so bad.. Lea ~ 90-05 ~ suicide,, Kaylee ~ 89-05 ~ medical,, Alexis ~ 88-06 ~ suicide,, Leeson ~ 89-06 ~ medical,, Eathan ~ 89-07 ~ medical& Shannon ~ 93-08 ~ medical.. some of the best friends youu could ever have.. along withh this.. i lost myy boyfriend,, Nickk ~ 91-07 ~ suicide.. i blame myself everysingle dayy for their passing..
this was when the self harm reallyy kicked in..
meanwhile,, some thing else was happening to me.. something that hurt& made me so ashamed& broken& untrusting.. this could have done all that numbing a million times over,, even just the once,, but it happened more times than that but thats all i want to sayy on it..
also,, im constantlyy in and out of hospital because i have lots of things wrong withh me,, especiallyy from myy eating but im always in pain.. iv got pain syndrome,, heart& lung problems,, liver problems,, nerve problems& i have weakk bones so myy hyperflexibility or double jointedness dont help because im always dislocating things.. this means im in& out all the time for operations& things,, things that arnt reallyy,, ‘normal’..
now,, things arnt muchh easier.. myy boyfriend of ten months seems like he doesnt actuallyy want to be withh me.. inviting others to our valentines meal,, saying youu shouldnt be attached to someone youu love at our age,, ignoring me,, pressuring me about myy weight,, one minute sayying lose it the other gain it.. spending more time withh myy brothers when hes round than withh me& spending more time withh his mates when we are out or at school than withh me.. also,, finding texts to other girls saying,, basiclyy,, i want to get withh youu,, myy current girl treats me like shit,, i dont want her,, i want youu.. iv never even shouted at him properlyy before& thats saying something for me who has a criminal record& has been in& out of the cells for GBH,, criminal damage,, breaking& entering,, shop lifting,, verbal assult.. sometimes,, i just seem like a best mate to him instead of a girlfriend,, especiallyy withh the wayy he keeps saying hes going to breakk up withh me& that he was looking for someone else.. the thing is,, ilovehim withh all myy heart& losing him would just be the last thing,, i cant take it anyymore..
to rap up myy life storyy,, im an anorexic withh bulimic tendencies.. im depressed& i still occasionallyy self harm.. myy lowest weight was two stone& myy highest is now,, sixand a half stone& i feel so huge& worthless& pathetic& weakk.. on top off all of that,, im the oldest of three,, getting blamed for everything even if nothing has happened& it has got physical.. iv had numerous suicide attempts& iv lost more people as a teen than anyy adult should have to.. ohh,, & i also have a boyfriend that doesnt seem to care too muchh about me.. music has the biggest influence on me,, even thoughh i get shit for being different,, its the onlyy stickk iv learned to deal withh& myy wayy of dealing withh things is hitting out,, big time.. im always in trouble.. right now thoughh.. i dont care.. not about anything.. i cant take it anyymore..