I’m the guy who wrote the two “Just want to be heard” posts.
I couldn’t find anywhere to post a poem I have on my mind, so figured I’d share it with all of you.
Before I do though I will tell you all that obviously, I didn’t attempt suicide suicide the other day,
and I thank all of you who gave me some advice, even the one who told me I was out for attention,
even though I wasn’t. I wrote that because I’ve found that if I can write about my feelings, get them
off my chest and out where someone in the world can know what I’m feeling, helps reduce my urges.
Anyways, here’s my poem.
“Lost Bond”
“I cut myself and hope that she will feel my pain and call.
Watching the crimson sorrow run down my wrist I know that she will not
feel it, for the bond we had during our childhood is long dead,
and though it made us stronger when we laughed, now the lack of it
only makes me weaker in my tears. Nothing I can do now, but
sit in this tub, dripping my sorrow on the white tile, wondering if
this really was my only option.
No regret enters my head, no thoughts of the ones I loved, except for her.
She was my only anchor, holding me to this world with a smile.
Some would call our relationship unnatural, something only we understand.
Our bond was so strong once, that when I would cry, she would too,
When I bled she bled, and so on. But now I bleed alone and wonder,
if I just had one more day, would I spend it with her, the only person
who truly understood me. But as my sorrow leaks out, and my vision
becomes blurry, I grow angry at her. Wanting to know why she
allowed our bond to break? Why she left me when I needed her most?
How could she lead me down the road of drug addiction, make me flee
my only safe haven for her own well being and then leave me with
nothing?
She is both my angel and my demon, leading me into untraveled lands,
and leaving me in a dark room. I’m mad at her for starting a life that
didn’t include me, and grow angrier when she tries to blame me for
our lost bond. She was my best friend, and the only one who
could have kept me from where I am now, but instead she left.
I soon realize that my anger isn’t really at her, but at myself.
I realize how pathetic I am, that even in my own death, I choose
to blame someone else. I think of what she would say to me,
She would tell me how stupid I was, and then, in her true nature
she would make me laugh, and tell me to clean myself up, like she
did with our drug addiction.
She would make me pick myself up and hold my hand while doing it,
and if I stumbled she would laugh at my clumsiness, but never let me
hit the floor, flashing me that anchoring smile, making me smile at myself.
For some reason I find my head clearing, and a pain in my wrists, and I know
that once again I’ve failed at taking my life. I climb out of the tub, suddenly
trying to stop myself from what I’ve done.
I stumble, but never fall, and laugh at myself. Cleaning myself up I find my mood
a little lighter, and realize, that maybe, just maybe, if I can find a way to smile
once a day, then I can make it to another day. Until that fateful day when I
lose my smile, I will work on finding that lost bond, but till then I am grateful
for the lost bond for now, because it means that she didn’t have to feel the
pain I inflicted upon myself.”
Just to be clear, this is not about lost love. The person I refer to is my sister.