So I am about to share my entire story. Something I have never been able to do. I’m hoping it will give me some relief, I guess you could say.
So I’ll start where it all began.
At the age of five I was molested by a family member. That was when all my depression started. Growing up I was a big Daddy’s Girl. So it would kill me when my parents would fight. I grow up with my mother saying horrible things about my father. In 1998, my dad had a work related accident. He fell 3 stories from a pillar. From then on until 2005 my dad was unable to work. This just made the fighting worse. There were nights when my dad would get kicked out of the house, in which I would stay with him in his truck. In 2003, my dad got diagnosed with a brain tumor. By 2005, my dad had passed away. For a year I was numb. In 2006, I started dating this wonderful guy. He came into my life at the perfect time. It was a Fairy Tale, but it just didn’t stay that way. I feel in love with him fast and hard. He ended up breaking up with me the night before my birthday. That was the worst birthday I had. Even after we had broken up, we still were having sex. We used protection, just one night it didn’t work. This had already been a year after our relationship ended, and here I was pregnant with his baby. All my friends were very supportive on any decision I was going to make. I just didn’t have the support of the father. In the state I was in, I knew that pregnancy wasn’t the best idea. So at the end of my first trimester I had an abortion. So my senior year of high school, when you’re supposed to be having the time of your life. I was trying to deal with the dession I had made. Half way through my senior year was when everything went down hill. I started to party a lot more. Never really drank, but I did experiment with drugs…a lot. A month after graduation, I attempted suicide. My brother called 911 and before I knew it, I was in the hospital. The next day I admitted myself to a Mental Health Center. I only stayed for 3 days. Since I did admit myself, I was able to leave when I wanted. For a couple months after things were going really great. It got better in September when I met the second guy I would fall for. Just this time I fell even harder. Now this is the part that is hard for me. A couple of weeks before I had met Kevin, I had been rapped by someone who I thought was a friend. I kind of just kept it in the back of my mind. I felt stupid for letting it happen to me. But with Kevin next to me, I didn’t let it take over me. I hadn’t told Kevin about it until I found out I was pregnant. (In my head, I wanted it to be the ex boyfriend since we still had fooled around. I was on birth control, trying to take the extra step in being safe.) This time I was going to keep the baby no matter what. I didn’t tell Kevin I was pregnant, I only told him I might be. The reason for that was I hadn’t been feeling well; I had a lot of pain. So until I went to the doctor to check what was going on, I wasn’t going to say anything. I ended up miscarrying, so I just told Kevin I wasn’t pregnant. Even until this day, he still doesn’t know. By now I was beginning to fall apart, once again. Life with my mother wasn’t going very well either. It seemed no matter what, we had something to argue about. About a week ago things with Kevin got bad. He had been pushing me away. The reason was because he “was trying to get his mind straight”. Well after my mom came home and told me she had seen him out with his friends I lost it. I was angry that he could make time for his friends but not for the girl he said he was very much in love with. Basically things ended. I couldn’t stop crying. I just feel a big void now. I’m kind of hoping things will work themselves out.
For the last 2 weeks I have just been feeling down and out. I take two different anti-depressants. Even with that I feel like I can never be truly happy for a long period of time. I deal with my depression every day of my life. I try to take it day by day. At times it does get bad to where I feel like I can’t handle it any longer