I know that people always say, “Oh it’ll be okay” and “Oh I’m so sorry”. They say all these things that just don’t help. But when you need it the most, there’s always one person, who’ll actually say something that helps.
I’ve lost a lot of things, Family, friends, the love of my life, and even the will to live. It hurts when someone you love lies to you, or your family disowns you.
A few months ago, I got in trouble with the law for my brother’s Marijuana in my car. I made the illogical decision to let him smoke in my car before I left home. He’s my brother and I’ve done everything I can for him, even if it meant I went without. I was on my way home and he called me and told me to bring his things back, so I turned around and headed towards his house. Well a few minutes later a police cruiser flips on its lights and I get pulled over. My brother then called me as I was being pulled over and told me not to worry about it. The cops searched my car, and found all of his things. I wasn’t arrested and was sent home with a court date a month from that night. I called my brother after and asked him to come to court and testify that the things weren’t mine, and he called me selfish and my grandmother and he disowned me for being selfish for asking for what was right.
Then the girl I was absolutely in love with and I broke up for the best. We both felt as if we needed someone we could see more often, and could take better care of each other. Then days later, she tells me that one of my old friends was hitting on her. I called her to find out how, and she said that he kept putting his arms around her and trying to kiss her, and that she kept pushing him away and left for home. Well it turns out the story was, that he did try, and she let him. She didn’t try to stop him, because she said she was afraid that he’d freak out and hit her. So they made out, and kissed, and he dropped her off at home and kissed her again, and she didn’t react as if it had affected her. But she couldn’t tell him no after he tried to kiss her. She couldn’t tell me that to my face, I had to find that out from him. When I confronted her about it, she admitted to it all, claiming she was afraid.
It’s one thing after another, every time I find myself okay, something bigger and more hurting comes along. I’ve flirted with the thoughts and actions of suicide before, and I’ve gotten out of it’s grasp. Last time was different though. This time I cared so much that I took down all my walls and left myself vulnerable.
I’m not sure how much more I can take, I am only human, and we have our limits. No matter how much I try, the thoughts wont leave my head. I do other things to get my mind off of them, but as soon as I stop or even in the middle of doing those things. The thoughts come back, causing a pain so unbearable in my heart. I feel as if I’m having a heart attack with each stroke of my heart.
I’m trying to get over these feelings but I don’t know anymore.