What happened to my life? Where am i going? Today I’ve faced so much pain during the day, and even more then my dad yelled at me at the end of the day. School is getting harder and harder. Those AP classes that I’ve Singed up for tear me apart. Asked for help from the teachers to keep up, but even so I’m not doing what I’m supposed…. that is study for the make up test. Instead I’m writing to the people who i will never see nor will ever know. I’m sharing my feelings with the internet world knowing I’m safe from being recognized. Why not share my feelings with a close friend or family member you may ask. I had a fight with my mom for a stupid TV show (she wanted to watch something else while I was watching a different, and my dad yelled at me for doing nothing but sitting in from of the computer with my books opened.)I don’t have any friends in this place. Moving to USA was nothing but pain to me. My friends are far away… across the ocean and far beyond that point. Living through all this is so stressful. Now that I’m struggling in classes and so many people expect me to do well in my future life. Back where I grew up, I made a promise to myself that ill get them out of that poverty. I’ve received a chance to become smart and get a good job, good income. But im not sure anymore that I can achieve my goal.
In school im wearing dark clothes and one kind of hoody shirt… all black. Each day in school i have my hood on hoping for someone to notice my pain. over a month I’ve been wearing that same hoody t-shirt. For some reason people seem to look away when my eyes meet theirs. I scare them? Possibly, I would be…. I’d want to stay away from people like me. A lonely pervert that watches porn when he feels sad and depressed.
I began to do my homework, but then i stoped and went to sleep. Being wakened up by my little sister i’ve got a little mad. She’s been told by my dad to wake me. anyway she went down to watch TV. I took my empty bottle and went to fill it with water. then i went down. i shouted at my sister for a dumb reason which i dont really want to talk about, but what it did is alerted my dad and while i was coming back to my room he was going down. He started yelling at me for yelling and my sister. He’s still mad from me refusing to help him with a stupid phone call. I’ve passed him going to my room while at my back i hear him shouting and following me. I’ve set down… He started hitting the table that was in front of me… His actions deepened the pain in side of me. I dont know how really to describe that feeling but it was really painful. Tears sturted running down my face for at least 20 minutes. I had Scissors in my hand ready to open my vains.
Now is 9:20PM and only a small mark of my atempt of suicide is left on my arm. I dont feel that pain anymore, but im still alone and i feel i have no one to turn to. So i just wrote my thoughts here for the unknow people to see.
I guess i have nothing more to say… that is for now
I survived this night, but i have to go back to that painful world that i live in. tommorow i’ve got a make up test and i didnt even study what a loser am I. 9:25 PM time for me to start doing some work done and get out of this mess.
———————– I came back to add another of my thoughts “High School Sucks”
3 comments
High school is just a short time in your life and life is much different when you are out of school. Remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation. Everyone has much to offer in the world. Find your God given gifts and share them with the world. I wish you the best
I understand those things. Suicide is not even a solution its just a way to stop everything…. Sharing my given gifts isn’t easy that easy…. What if I don’t know what i want out all of this… I don’t have friends and i mean it each day its getting harder and harder… Wishing that you could share your feelings with some one in person, but their is no one out their… God maybe you’ll offer my, but i don’t believe in god anymore. I’m like a scientist that needs hard proof of something existing….. You might say why don’t you make some friends and ill answer its not as easy for me… I have fear talking to people, fear of sharing my thoughts and opinions. and this fear is the source of my depression…. I know because I’ve created it…
I’ve tried to talk to random people… but the seen me for so long they just to stay away from me… Then ever i tried to talk to someone my voice would be low and shacking and they would have trouble hearing me , but they still would pretend to listening to me but either smiling or saying “umm… yeah” or something like that and so eventually i stopped even trying
10:32 PM i haven’t done any work for school and I’m really tired and sleepy.
While, I’m not in high school yet (grad 8) so I’m exactly sure if you can do this, but where I live, it isn’t unheard of… Drop down a level. AP is hard for a lot of people (So I hear) You seem to really want to be smart, but going into… is it academic, or something else… Anyways, the next highest level in school, doesn’t impair you, you will not be less smart or successful.
As for the heads turning away: People for some reason want to believe that no one wants to hurt themselves. The shit heads are in denial, not your fault they want to live in there own world. They also (I find) believe that everyone wants lots of friends and are only not social per choice. The self-centered-ness really takes away from their understanding. They don’t know anything different.