walking in a daze

  February 15th, 2009 by lookingforhope

i have been feeling like i am barely keeping my head above water. i move through every day trying to convince myself i matter and that my life is worth while. it is so hard for me to get out of bed most days, and i often spend days there, i am soo tired of the struggle to stay alive. tired of having to eat, tired of just breathing to be honest.

most days i do get out of bed and try to conduct my life, it feels as if i am living a lie. just making believe that i am happy and content with life. i have become a very good actress it seems. most people have no idea of the darkness in my mind
and heart.

i feel like i am taking up space and wasting the gifts i have been given , yet also am not able to move beyond this sense of hopelessness…a horrible spiral down into darkness and despair. trying to be honest with it and move through it is the challenge not allowing it to suck me deeper and deeper takes my every ounce of energy it seems. keeping myself just this side of the dark is so tiring and draining, having the energy to actually enjoy life feels like an impossibility. just folding laundry is an effort…urgh, just want to curl up in a ball and lay there and melt into the bed…when i lay for hours the world seems to stop and all i can think of is not being here. i imagine what everyone will feel when they hear the news, that i just walked into the ocean and did not swim.

will they think i killed myself or i was careless? should i leave a note? should i make a list of my finances and stuff to make it easier on my family? should i make a list of people to contact?? what will my funeral be like? what will the people be saying about me? about themselves? our relationships? will they feel regretful? sad, angry? I lay for hours pondering all this and feel my body paralyzed with sadness and angry that this is how the hours just wash away.

there are times when my connection to god is so amazing and other times like today that he is as far from my consciousness as he could be. i ponder, is this the devil wanting me to end my life so the light is killed within me? when i think these thoughts i feel so afraid, so hopeless and so tired, that i am hardly able to move.

when i image someone logging into my computer after i am dead, what they will fine. the book marks to suicide sites, y writings to keep the voices at bay, the sham of a life i am trying to lead while most of the time i am imagining, driving off a bridge, walking into the ocean, laying in my bed till i am no longer breathing…

i imagine my friends and family shaking their heads in disbelief..in pity, in dissapointment…how did this happen they will say?? why could she not see she mattered.

during the holidays, i sent a message to my friends and family asking them why i mattered. interesting thoughts…and i still feel like a fraud. man, life is such a rollercoaster…

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