every story has an ending

I am as empty as I am alone.15 years of fighting my impulses and depression has left me little more than a shell.I’ve been waiting for life to show me that it’s worth living,but I think I’ve lost the point somewhere along the way.I feel like I’m drowning.I don’t talk to anyone about the way I feel,and noone seems to care.I’ve done and been through so much,but it’s never the good stuff that stays with me.It’s the pain and heartbreak that haunts me.My pain has far outweighed my ability to cope and it seems like things get worse every year.I destroy everything I touch and push away the people that mean the most to me.I just want the pain to stop.My story is a comic tragedy really,only I don’t think that it’s funny anymore.It’s been a very long time since I smiled,or loosed a laugh that wasn’t sarcastic or bitter.Fifteen years since the night I should have died.So much pain that could have been spared me.I guess it was just my luck that the shell was a dud,nothing else in my life has ever gone right or been easy,why should that?When you put a shotgun in your mouth and pull the trigger,you really don’t expect to see another day,much less fifteen years.I still have the .12 gauge shell with a dent in the firing cap where the hammer hit it.I mde another half-hearted attempt about three years later with pills and booze,but that was as much a disappointment as the first time.I don’t know how I’ve made it this long,and I don’t know if I have the energy to see another day.I can’t deal with feeling like this anymore.I won’t fail again.I’ve been waiting for death for so long,I know that I will welcome it when it comes.I only hope their is nothing beyond that to make me suffer further.I long for the soothing peace that would come with oblivion.

Noone should ever learn everything about sex at the age of seven like I did.I grew up confused about my sexuality untill my mid-teens.I’ve never really talked to anyone about the things that happened.I was only a ignorant child,high on the rush of being naughty.The older I got the more the girls had my attention and the more it felt wrong to be with boys.The problem with that is that women don’t like me all that often.I’m not a troll or anything,but I’m a really big guy,{6’5″-300lbs.}and I’m very shy.I didn’t truely lose my virginity untill I was almost twenty.At fifteen,I was actually stupid enough to fall in love with my best friend.Just friends was a term I became intimate with.When we were alone she’d let me hold her and kiss her,but never anything more.It drove me insane,it really did.She was so close yet so far away,it was like torture to watch her fawn over the assholes she dated,and then cry on my shoulder when they hurt her.Why couldn’t she have just loved me too?I’ve been in three serious relationships,none of which lasted more than three years,but I’ve never felt anything like the love I had for her.I actually saw her a few years back.By the time we graduated,I just couldn’t take it anymore and I stopped talking to her.A year later she dated my best friend for six months,and by the time it was over I was ready to strangle both of them.After that,I thought I’d never see her again,but wouldn’t you know it,when I was 25 my girlfriend met her at work and they became friends.My girlfriend at the time was a truely wonderfull girl,and I did love her,but seeing her again made me realize that my love for her still didn’t match the longing I still held in my heart for the other.I tried to play nice,but when her current jerk tried to befriend me,I couldn’t deal with it.He was a stupid prick,and he cheated on her.The last I heard a few years ago,they were going to get married.Oh yes,I was lucky enough that my last girlfriend knew her too.

Every woman I’ve ever loved had left with a piece of me and I find what is left woefully inadiquate.After my second girlfriend left,I was celabate for five years,and since my last girlfriend left it’s been two.But you know,it’s not the sex that I miss,it’s having someone loving to hold while I sleep.The smell of a woman’s neck when you first wake up.That kind of warmpth can take the chill out of my bones,but when It get’s taken away it’s like arctic tundra.I feel like I’m missing the peice of me that means the most.Stacy,my first love, showed me that love is blind,and more often than not painfull.My first girlfriend,Kathy,was crazy as hell,but she taught me alot about pleasing women.Becky,god,I could never say enough about her.I adored my kinky sex goddess.I can’t even describe how it felt when she walked away.The last,Michelle,I thought she was for real,but she just used me to get back at her ex.She left after almost two years and went back to him without so much as an explanation.I’ve had a few other mini-relationships{only lasting a month or two}one of which was the mother of my daughter.We dated for about two months,and she left me as soon as she found out that she was pregnant.I barely even know my child.I don’t want to grow old alone,but I can’t survive another heartbreak.I feel so lost.I just want it to be over.