I have always been a VERY strong person. I am the one people would come to for advice and for strength but lately I find myself completely without strength and it also feels like no one I have ever been there for is there for me now. I have rheumatoid arthritis and I’m 28 years old. I was born with the disease and my whole childhood was destroyed by the illness. I never had a normal life. So I grew up knowing how to deal with pain and suffering. However, I went into complete remission when I was 18 and my life became wonderful. I did everything I never could do before. I had a great career in radio as a reporter and writer, the things I always wanted to do. Then when I was 25, around my birthday the rheumatoid arthritis came back. At first I was in denial but pretty soon I had to accept it. I had to quit my career because working in media requires the ability to be mobile and full of energy. Rheumatoid Arthritis takes away your mobility as well as your energy. Now I am 28 and I feel like my life is just completely over. Every dream, every want, every thing I have said I’d do in life is now impossible. I have to live on my Social Security and I can barely even work part time. I’ve been trying to find part time work to help with the complete lack of anything going on in my life but I have not found one yet. I just sit at home all day, everyday, except to go to the grocery store and while I sit I am in pain. I am in terrible pin when I first wake up. It’s the worst when I wake up. I take narcotic pain killers that are legally prescribed to me but those also present a problem…they wear off and I feel worse than before. But without the pills I cant walk at all. But even with the pills I’m not as mobile as a normal person. And I still have pain. My doc said the pain can only be expected to be 40% less than what it would be without the pain killers. 40% is better than nothing but it’s not complete. I am still in awful pain everyday, every minute – every second that I’m alive. MY existence is shit and there is NOTHING anyone can do. I don’t respond to the medications they have for the illness so I’m left taking naproxsen and oxycodone. I can feel my bones wasting away. The really crappy part is that NO ONE knows what I am going through. People pretend they understand but no one can really get what it is like to be in chronic pain every second of every day. They don’t understand how it can affect a persons well being. I am not myself, I find no joy in anything. Songs I used to love mean nothingÂ to me now. I find no happiness anywhere. The only person that I know cares about me is my husband and he works very hard to give us a good life but I know even he is frustrated that I can’t do more. He would never say it but I know normal people don’t understand what I’m going through and they don’t seem to get why I can’t just “be happy” or just “live with it”. It’s incredibly hard to ignore terrible pain.
Today I woke up and I really wanted to die. I just wanted to lay down and give up. From what I’ve read if you are like me, born with this disease, and it comes back later in life, you will never get rid of it again. So where does that leave me but with a crappy life where I’m constantly in pain and then I die. It seems so empty and so pointless. We own a gun,Â I could just shoot myself….I just keep trying to live “day by day” as my therapist always reminds me to do, but it is so hard at times there are just some mornings I wake up and I just want myÂ life to end. There is no happiness to look forward to anyway, my condition will never change. The US govt’ is so wrapped up in religion that they are not letting science progress as it should so I can’t get a cure for this disease, so in my lifetime I will never be cured. I”ll be a cripple with awful pain my entire life. I know husband is going to want to have kids soon…how can I carry a child, i can barely walk as I am now. I hate myself and I want to die. I mean this type of existence is pointless. I will not get better – I will just get worse…it’s proven science…and I don’t have enough money or insurance for knee replacements so I will be so bad off I will be wheelchair bound soon enough. It’s all down hill from here. Whats the point in living.