I dont know wether this will work, ive never raly spoken to anyone before about my problems, i always take things on myself. Why does it seem that everytime you try to do something good it always goes tits up and people hate you for it? I was bullyed as a child, i dont know weather thats why im writing this today, what i do know is that it lead to my insicurity and the fact i dont tell anyone anything. Ive only ever opened up to one person, i loved her, she made my life have a purpose for the first time. The purpose was to make her happy. One day i realised i was actually making her life worse by being around her, so even thought it killed me i broke off conections with her. She initaly hated me for it, but she quickly got over it and managed to lead the happier life i wanted her to. Now she just sees me as indifferance. Thats worse than her hating me. I dont know wether i love her still, i havent felt anything in so long. To uote the beatles song, ive put on my mask that hangs by the door. Outwardly im an outgoing happy, fun fourteen yearold. But inside im a shell, i dont even have e lusury of saying i feel sad or angry, i just feel nothing.
And dont say dont give up your life for someone who doesnt care for you. Its more than that,Â i just find myself thinking what is the point in life, i mean if you look at it logicaly, there is none. And i dont think id feel any different if i was dead or alive. maybe it would just end this cycle day after day of pretence at what im not. i used to think i could make my life mean something by helping people, but now i realise that even if i help people, those peoples lives will still have no value or purpose, just as mine doesnt. Im simply waiting now, waiting for the right place and means. I just want to document what my sorry little life has acheived, then post it to the people i know so that in death they may truly understand me and what i stand for. Id just like to say thankyou to this site for giving people a chance to speak for themselves, if only the world was like this website.