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I am lost, please help

by helper

Why go up if your just going to come crashing back down again? This is a question I ask myself everyday day night and pretty much all in between as well, but now you must be curious why well that’s a long story… better put down your homework and ipod and listen up if you really want to know… you know on the other hand play angels on the moon in a constant loop that how I’m feeling right now so that will probably fir to what I’m writing.

            Hi, my name is *Kie*. And yes I am aware it rhythms, been told many a time not to mention I realized it the first time I said it anyway I am a strange person, who’s leads a confusing life at least for me it is right now… maybe getting out on paper will help but I don’t know, but at least I’ll have something to give people when they ask who I am. That question has always bothered me though; if we are all unique then why do we stereotype ourselves… and don’t tell me we don’t we do all the time! Now I am not going to be hypocritical here I do it to, in fact my life pretty much revolves around me trying to figure out who me is. I will tell you I few thing I know I like to listen to music and it often depicts what mood I’m in, I am really random, and I am somewhat sarcastic.

            So this is some sappy story about how a girl suffered some problems from the looks of it maybe some big ones and now is living her happily ever after that or she killed herself. Well in this case it neither… closer to one then the other perhaps but you know that goes with what I first said up down that’s an active description of my life. I’m going to tell you a little bit about my past first because otherwise you will never know how I got to where I am, But also something you should know abut me I like quotes, the ones I write myself or the ones others write. I was born on November 11, 1993, in Saint Mary’s Hospital in Madison, WI at 11:33 pm. After my first week of life I made my first of many moves, still in Madison then about. Well exactly fourteen months, six days, five hours, ten minutes, and a couple of seconds I went from being an only child to having a younger sister Grace.

            Ok fast forwarding a little bit I learned both Dutch and English growing up (before preschool) but now can only understand Dutch not speak it… I’m still good on the English haha. Anyway I started my educational journey at *** Elementary. Odd name I am aware but, I have some good memories from there like finding a runaway gingerbread man and digging up worms on the playground, why yes I do have a good memory J.

            Then I moved schools to *******, kindergarten was good Ms. ***was a sweet angel that really helped me through my first real year of school. I absolutely loved kindergarten, I actually did make one enemy but we made up later and are still friends today, anyway as I was saying I was popular and everybody liked me, not because I had the best clothes or newest electronic, but because I was nice, funny, and loved to help. That may sound conceited but hey it’s the truth, and I distinctly remember my big buddy (8th grader) saying to enjoy this time because it will all change, at the time I was confused but NOW I know what he was saying. First grade and second grade were fine spelling tests were difficult and I always had to study (by the way I still can’t spell very well haha) but you know we can’t al be good at everything. Anyway my third grade teacher Ms. ***, she made me write stories in my notebook at home; she said I was behind in my writing skills. STOP! You will see this come back to haunt me, you see because of this one innocent moment in this teachers life, she probably doesn’t even remember it, but I do, and It was the thing that makes me push myself so hard in school, because I never want to be behind again. Socially in third grade something amazing happened I have a friend named * and we were both friends with a girl who was really kind of bossy and mean, so she took it literally got me out of that situation, and took the fall for it. If you have no idea what I’m saying it’s all right, I speak from a pretty cultured social reader view. In other words * dropped me as a friend making the other girl drop me as a friend, and so I was once again free.

            Fourth and fifth grade was not to great I started to lose some weight and get more hyper. Oh and I had to be first, in everything, I could not help it first in line, first one outside, well you get the point anyway in sixth grade I made a drastic decision when my grades began to drop, one that I will never be able to take back, and put me through almost everything I have been trough began or had it’s roots in this decision. I was going to public school, but not just any public school, I was going to **** Middle School.

            This was not a tough decision no of course it wasn’t not at the time, my grades beginning to slip and this school would be easier, plus two of my cousins were going there, one with me in sixth grade, ****, and one in eighth grade, ****. This brings me to a small problem, I don’t remember all that much from sixth grade, my therapist, current one, says (that’s right a see a therapist if you don’t like it you can suck it), anyway she say’s I have so PTSD from it. I’ll tell you what I do know, the classes were easy, I got straight A’s, I was off the wall hyper and yes still had to be first, I got verbally abused everyday by just about everybody. I was pushed around a bit in the hallways, but you know I just was so resilient, my parents sent me to my first therapist then and of course like every other person she did not know what was wrong with me… there is a pattern here people I swear I always know what’s wrong or at least what I not wrong, and they missed diagnosed me with a mild anxiety disorder HA! Yeah those meds did nothing for me. In truth I was more suffering from depression during this time than anything else, hyper yes but depressed also a yes. Anyway I did have one friend during this time her name was ****, and we walked to school together, and hung out after school, her parents were always pretty strict and hard on her about everything plus they more treated her as a maid then anything else. But because of this hyper thing I never really didn’t talk or hang out with her much at school. I didn’t really have many emotions kind of lost them that year, and I’ll be sure to let you know when I get them back haha, you may not find the humor but when your like me you have to find the humor in things like this or they will eat you alive. Anyway I had a great teacher at this time Ms. **** I have since gone back and seen her several times, to try to get closure but I am kind of realizing that will never happen.

            I’m sorry I’m not quite finished with that part yet you see while verbal abuse and being pushed around a bit may scare you for life; it apparently wasn’t enough for me. You see this next thing I play in my head so well, but after this I honestly can’t remember what happened until I went back about a week later. I was supposed to be in choir class but the seventh graders had a concert coming up so all the sixth graders had to sit in the stands of the gym, while they rehearsed. Now don’t get me wrong this was incredibly fun, note the sarcasm. Nonetheless I was sitting in front of two girls *** and ****, and **** was really bored and decided to entertain herself by cutting off my hair. No I am not kidding, she grabbed a pair of school scissors and cut off my hair. Now I low and behold was not aware of this I kept feeling something hit my back but I was used to that and didn’t pay much attention, but then ***** scooted down next to me and told me what had happened and that they were planning to then tape my hair to my locker. Class was not over, I had to sit there knowing that there was this big, scary girl behind me that just cut off my air and I wanted so badly to start crying or yelling but I knew I couldn’t so as soon as the bell rang at three o’clock I raced to my locker grabbed my books and left without saying a word to Marissa, and she being concerned told my teacher something had happened. I raced home on my bike, probably broke a world record I was so upset I remember getting home, crying, and calling my mom to tell her what happened, but that’s it.

            The next thing I remember I was going back to school for the last week. I was told I didn’t have to but it was the last week, so I said I did. There was a big mistake, people were full of fake sympathy and after they learned I was ok they went back to their own little lives, that is one thing I still hate today fake sympathy. But not everyone was filled with at least fake sympathy, no someone felt it necessary to back me up against a wall in the gym and tell me exactly why I got my hair chopped off. And yes, my life is like a slope just keeps going down with the occasional up.                                                                         Well that about wraps up what I can remember in sixth grade, to say the least it was educational. I was still pretty hyper but there was n way my parents were going to let me go back to **** for another year, and heck I wasn’t asking, so I returned to ******. Oh and for your information during the duration of since I last said I moved houses and now I moved another three or four times. 

            Seventh grade was intense I like it in the beginning of the year but the came October.  I was getting ice cream with my sister and two cousins I have previously mentioned. Anyway we were at the Chocolate Shop, and I ordered a chocolate ice cream with peanut butter cups, my favorite at the time, and possibly still is, get to that part later, I suddenly had the feeling I couldn’t breath. Well my mom being a nurse quickly brought my cousins and sister home and asked if I needed an ambulance I said no, but I have been in one don’t you worry haha. I get off subject a lot if you haven’t already noticed, but heck that’s just me. I still went to the emergency room with my mom, in all honest truth it sort of stopped happening somewhere in between the three emergency rooms we went to before we found on that worked with our insurance company.

            A young intern saw me and well asked me what happened and I described it to her she then perceived by feeling my neck and I’m sorry boys but I’m no slut and it was really weird and uncomfortable. Preceding that she and my mother literally dragged me to get my blood drawn, then like a three-hundred pound woman sat on me to try to get me to stay still so they could get the needle in, well since I was pretty much flattened they took my blood, and it hurt like hell. A few days, weeks I don’t really know they called I had a hyperthyroid, I know many of you will not know what this is but it’s that thing in your neck that control thing like metabolism and hormones anyway mine was working way to much and screwing me all up. My heart rate was 160, (not good) haha. So I had two options surgery or drink radioactive iodine. I went the iodine route, about another week after that I went in drank this stuff that tasted like warm salt water, almost threw it back up again, the problem was gone, right? Haha I wish, no I had to stay away from all people for forty-eight hours or they risked radioactive waves protruding from you guessed it, me. For about three months they did nothing, which then made me hypothyroid, in other word I got really fat and slow. This is where I got some of my weight issues. Then came the numerous blood draws, and other things of that nature. About three months after they started me on my medication to balance me out, I was told I could not eat sugar anymore… yeah… I don’t really follow this rule anymore.

            Ok well you know what was happening medically with me, but lets not forget I am also attending school all during this time. I started to wear baggy clothes, and I was a friend with a controlling manipulative *****, ****. But still lonely and depressed from sixth grade from having no friends, I fell right into her trap. She had me do things I would never have done before, her parents probably made her that way, Her mother was just a smoking gambling mess, and her father a heavy drinker who cheated on her mother and that ended in divorce about a girl that was old enough to be ****’s sister. She used these sorts of thing to invite you in, and then threaten to tell secrets if you wanted to break friendship. And didn’t want you to have friends other than her, very possessive, in other words she could have other fiends but you couldn’t.                                                                                     Do you remember *? Yes that’s right flip back to refresh your memory haha. Well she had already fallen victim to ****, and well I still owed her, and this was my chance. She got out, and I died, that was not the first and defiantly not the last time I have died. But I was blinded by the thought of having a friend that even when everyone around told me she was bad news, I wouldn’t listen. BEEP! Lets screw everything up for a second and go back a while, I have been making up stories in my head since I could last remember, and it didn’t freak me out to much until they started coming true. But later, later right now I just wanted to get the point across that I have been looking for the perfect guy for a really long time, the one who would sweep me off my feet and save me. Haha I know you are like why the heck is she telling me this well you’ll figure it out later.                                                                                                                                                            “We’re moving!” All right I’m not going to lie here this phrase does not shock me not now, and not then. But what if we added to *state*, that was a little more shocking. At this point I was just staring to see clearly at what **** was doing plus my whole hyperthyroid phase kin of ruined my chances of a normal friend relationship at my school at my school so I was ok. HAHA! Yes, this is what I told them, my sister has always been the drama queen of the family so I have always felt that I should more contain my emotions then show them, I have always felt that *sister* was enough for them to handle, so I in turn am more distant and reserved with my feelings.

Well we did it, moved, to a giant house in *city*, *state*. Then comes the next thing, I call them mistakes, but truthfully they make me who I am today, whether that’s good or bad, or just how it is.  I began to attend ****, a small Catholic school, uniforms and all. Well the weekend before I started a few girls came over from my new school, and well I have been bad at making friends so I was really nervous. It went fine but they gave me a full on warning don’t trust and don’t mess with ***. Now you must understand every school I go in bright eyed and bushy tailed, with all my hopes and dreams that I’ll make tons of friends, yeah… right. Well once again I went in with this wish and instead got a group of fourteen other girls all deathly afraid of angering one, yes, good job you guessed it ***. Now you must understand I gave her a chance, but when she turned up *****, I was so sick of getting pushed around I stood up for myself, and messed with her little, I called her a ***** made her hate me, told her she’s not nice… you get the point. But she wasn’t used to getting messed with and yeah… that kind of ruined my chances there, I actually ended up having to stay silent because anything I said she would somehow twist into something she could use against me. So that was not a fun year. When I got so desperate for attention I actually started crying in school I couldn’t help it, no would give a shit about me otherwise. No one cared about me, much less what I did. When it came time to write compliment cards I got some nice ones saying sorry and I’m impressed with you, they all weren’t strong enough. I was a kind of friend with a guy during this time an n emotional release of sorts but he was using me to get information and used guilt to get what he wanted. And I once again relapsed into the whole falling victim in loneliness.                                                                                                                                                                                   Sometime at the end of that we moved again to a smaller house, and that’s where I am now sitting in my room typing out my life story like an old dying person, the difference being I am a young dying person.

            And yes I stare at pill bottles, and yes I think about suicide everyday, but I have mood swings so big I never know if it’s what I am truly feeling or if it’s just in the moment. I burn myself with hot wax. And now I just don’t know what to do, because everyone sees me happy and if I tell him or her they don’t believe me… so that knocks me down and makes me not want to tell anyone else… I am just lost. 


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E.B. McHenry 3/8/2009 - 7:07 pm

Dear Kie,
This world is insane, no REALLY! Sanity does exist inside of you, I can tell by your posting. Connecting with others who are experiencing this degree of
isolation and confusion is empowering and clarifying. Mean and insensitive
teenagers are not helping you–they have no knowledge to help you.
You need a mentor and a safe way to connect to your experiences.
Are you creative at all? I believe Art/creativity may lead you to more sensitive beings. There are a million possibilities outside of that little room.
I hear you needing basic decency/sanity in your life — then only those that can be decent/sane should be allowed access to you, it will make all the difference, but I can appreciate that finding those relationships can be challenging–but it’s imperative Kie!!!
Stay alive please,

DD 3/12/2009 - 2:45 pm

Has a psychiatrist ever done any tests to see if you are bipolar? The fact that you have such uncontrollable mood swings could mean you could benefit from mood stabilisers (like Limictal or Seroquel) rather (or in addition to) anti-depressants. I’m no expert (just a bipolar sufferer myself), and I know that when I first tried mood stabilizers they changed my life dramatically.

Jerry 3/22/2009 - 3:32 am

YOU should email me at wrestlerjerry@yahoo.com if you ever just want to chat one on one with someone who knows what your going thru(Maybe not your whole life story but the majority of it)…

april 4/10/2009 - 9:21 pm

the most amazing thing you could ever imagine is going to happen tomorrow. And you are meant to be there. So live to see it, even if you are totally unaware of it –11. Eleven. X

Pie 6/26/2009 - 2:23 am

Hello. I am depressed. I need to go to a place where no one can judge me and yet I can tell anything too. In short, I messed up, I messed up my whole life and future. I was dating a boy for a year and a half and he didn’t receive enough attention from me. I was being beaten a lot from my father and I did not want to tell him because I was ashamed of it and I did not want him to get hurt as well. I wish I told him so we might still be together. After he broke up with me, he use the line “I think we should be friends’ I took that seriously thinking we could actually be something. 2 weeks later, he finds another girl, who’s smarter, prettier, and gave him what he deserved. I felt so sick to my stomach and yet I still tried to contact him. I was foolish, and was alone so I too rebounded after 3 months. I ended up falling for him but in November, my ex contacted me again and I was mixed up and confused and thought he wanted friendship. I was too stupid to know he wanted more, he kept saying he missed e and stuff and one day, we went to a mall and he just held me saying he still loved me. I was so confused. I became confused with my new relationship, my current boyfriend, the new relationship, treats me so well, he is so kind and wonderful and I betrayed his trust. I slept with my ex, told him I loved him while i was with my new relationship, and vise versa.. I’m a sick and twisted person for doing so.. I also did the same thing with both.. I massaged both, cuddled both, saw movies with both, did the same plans, I was going out with both of them and neither had a clue.. All my life I never wanted to cheat.. but here I am breaking my moral back bone. and yet everyone tells me to forget about him. to not talk to him anymore. i hid this from friends, family and form both of them for 4 months, thinking for whatever stupid reason everything would be ok. Everything would be just fine… everything came undone and slapped me in the face. both were devastaed.. my ex especially. and now here i am.. clinging to anything i can get because im pathetic. I only recently started telling my mom everything, and now my current relationship knows the whole truth about us. My ex is frustrated with me and im pretty sure he left me.. why do i feel so upset with myself.. i choose my current relationship as the one i want to be with why cant i forget about him.. why.. i want to forget so badly.. and yet i cant.. i find myslef looking at him, checking my phone all the time.. thinking of him.. but when i think of him i don’t know what i feel.. and yet my current relationship has forgiven me for everything that I have done. Why? is he too nice? does he see I can recover? i cant write anymore.. im starting to hate myself even more.. I’m just pathetic. No one will read the writings of a whore anyways, its hopeless forme

Angel 7/13/2009 - 12:47 am

pie, you are not a whore. that Basterd just used you and you didnt realize it. your current relationship is in love with you and if i where you i would want to cuss him out and scream and cry. Its not your fault dear you were a victim. the only advice i can give you is love the one your with and dont dwell on past mistakes.

Kie, honey you need some help ok? they will make your life better and help you sort through every thing. you should start by seeing a physciatrist.

Best of luck

Pokey 8/10/2009 - 4:34 am

Kie, your awesome! Your brave and really funny. id hug you but i guess you’ll have to settle for an air hug. 🙂 *air hug!* haha.. ha.. by the way, Pokey’s my nick name if you didn’t realize. Bye! -Pokey

jagaluga 10/29/2014 - 6:53 pm

what i do when the worl is crashing down and i have no escape i let the world take me

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