im a 15 year old girl, who, for as far as i can remember, never had a bondage with her father, or anyone else. everybody that knew me as a kid would tell you the same. that when my father (or anyone) would walk into the room id go ‘uh uh uh uh’ (with in dutch is something like, oh no no no no) to shoo them out of the room. the only person in my life i could tell anything to is my mom. even tho i dont even tell her everything, too. for example, i never told her i made a false account on msn to talk to the people i refer as friends. at least theyd talk to that account. they liked the not-existing me better than the real me. i cant blame them though. you’d probably hate me too. im fat, dont care for makeup, will always question everything before i do it, dont go out, dont drink and… well, to put it simple, im dull. boring as hell. stuff i like: reading, drawing, writing, learning japanese or any other foreign langue and gaming. noone i know reads for fun, noone draws or learns beside school. now i could make friends who Do like to game, but im not a very social person, at all. i dont like stangers and have trouble placing trust in people, including myself. thats probably to blame to the fact that everyone in my family lies and tries to drain stuff from others. for example, my uncle, recently moved back here from england, needed us to help him move and then never said a word again. until a week ago when he needed money and our grandma (another ‘nice’ member of our o-so happy family) had no money left to give to him. my grandma has always been using my mother. when she was ill my mom was good enough to take care of her, and when she had taken a crap on all the sheets, ruined and broke things, treated everyone like filth, she left in the afternoon to go home and never talk to us again. these are not even examples of bad things theyve done, but id rather not talk about those things. no, im actually here because id like to load off a bit about my dad. hes driving me so far to the edge, im about to fall. its not like im constantly thinking of suicide, but the thought is there. im afraid that when i dont do something now, ill end up actually doing it. not that anyone would care though. no… not anyone except for my mom. shes always been there and if i die, id scar her badly. she once said that when id die, shed only stay alive because of my brother and sister, but be dead inside. same goes for when my brother or sister dies.
but my father would probably be happy about my death. it doesnt matter what i do, it will never be good enough. im a really good drawer, at least people say so. when i finally made something i like and show him, he’ll look from his computer screen (hes a game addict) for one slight nano-second, say ‘hmm’ and return to his game. when i tell my mom about it when she finds me crying for the milionth time and shed tell my dad, the only thing hed say will be ‘yes, it looks good’. but u can see he doesnt mean it and is only saying it because my mom raged to him for not being interested in me. sigh. my dad also has these mood swings. he’ll wake up ‘normal’ (wich is actually already moody). 5 minuts later he’ll storm into my room and scream to me. it doesnt matter what he screams about. it seems he just has to scream to me. hes always yelling at me how i shouldnt have ever been born, what a terrible child i am, how i can go to hell, how he wishes someone would just stab me or something. the things he screams may vary, but will always be there.
i tried unloading by cutting myself. my mom noticed right away and helped me stop. but then i started biting and ripping of the skin on my fingers. sindce i bite my nails its hard to notice the difference in what im biting off.
sigh. now just look at all the crap i made you read. im sorry… i just needed to tell it to someone or somewhere. i wanted to ask something too.. i do think about cutting my wraists again, this time in a different way so i can actually die from it (i wont tell what way, so i wont give anyone ideas). and started cutting a little again. if you know a way to make me stop again please tell me. i dont want to tell my mom…. id dissapoint her…too.
x-Â Me
5 comments
PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE, dear, run, DON’T WALK, and get some help. A therapist, a counselor, a teacher, ANYBODY.
I could tell you that you ARE a worthy and talented person and that THIS TOO SHALL PASS, but you probably wouldn’t believe me.
But it IS true. I have been right where you are and YES I survived and I am doing GREAT now.
My secret? I just don’t LIVE the life I was given, I go out and CREATE the life I want! It can be done as I am a testament to it.
Tell your mom. Tell SOMEONE. I’ve been feeling suicidal for over 30 years and I wish I could go back in time and change things. There IS help! You just have to find it! DO NOT waste your life! If I could be 15 again…sigh…I would give just about anything to start over and do it again. Please talk to someone.
Well girl,
I wouldn’t be alive, if I stayed at my parent’s home. Getting out of their home, and living my own life cured most of my problems. I tried it without success at 17, but done it definitively at 18.
Planning your “home escape”, can be the cure for your soul maladies.
Chose a college far away, preferably to study at night, and look for a job during the day. So you will be able to keep yourself fine.
Don’t go after a fancy place to live, fancy food, fancy parties. Live a simple live, and look for people that are living it too, you will find many good companions.
I’m half-a-world far from you, but I identified myself a little bit with you, and can offer you counsel, ideas, friendship.
Good luck,
James
I can honestly say…….I’m not sure what to tell you, because my shit is so eerily similar to what you are dealing with it kinda gives me the creeps. I can say this: I know what it feels like. Its like being trapped….being trapped in some kind of glass box while everyone goes about their normal business and you scream and scream until your throat is raw but no one hears you. Its like being in a play. You smile on cue, laugh and play but its all hollow, not really you. Message me if you wanna talk. I’m sure 2 heads are better than one.
Email: bluefire94@comcast.net
this isnt crap. your asking someone to listen and they are. you pretty much just described my life. the dad part. the mom part, and the cutting part. but dont do it. just because ur dad may not appriciate your work dosnt mean its not great. just keep working hard andd show your dad one day that your are good no matter what he says, or rather dosnt say. you accualy helped me alittle. i now know im not alone. thank you.