When I think of myself more often then not I just want to puke. I used to be so happy and free spirited and I feel high school and just recent events in my life is ruining me. I am more cynical, I dont get along with parents, I dont have a 4.0, I feel fat and ugly…i am a let down to my amazing little sisterÂ and my life is just one big treadmill. Its like ive climbed on and cant get off. I just have to keep running because I cant stop or I will get flung off and I dont know how to shut the stupid thing off. Im getting sick of running. I cant even count all the times I have thought of suicide in my head. I plan scenarios, think of full length notes I would leave including last sentiments and a will, and I think of how the medicine cabinet isnt so far away and the kitchen knife is right there. Last week whenÂ i was alone I pulled out a knife and stared at it until i broke down crying. Im a coward. Im not scared of death or what that will bring…im just scared of the pain andÂ especially slitting. I am sick of this liife and im not the same. I am lazy…I just want out. Because honestly there is no point in trying when my life is going no where. I wish my prayers would be answered and I could just die in my sleep but hey maybe God thinks its funny that I feel so depressed and alone. I just wanted to post because I cant tell anyone because it would scareÂ my family friends and boyfriend…Â andÂ they dont need that right now. I know I should be happy. My familyÂ isÂ part of the fosterÂ care systemÂ and so I know from all the kids we have fostered thatÂ there are so many more worse things that happen to young peopleÂ and for that I feel even more guilty typing this. I just needed this because I feel alone and telling someone would make me feel so bad. My ex would always tell me about how he wanted to commit suicide and how he tried when he was younger and it killed me on the inside to hear it. I would cry for hours because he wouldnt answer my calls and I wouldnt know where he was and I knew he was thinking about that because he sent me texts saying stuff along the lines of “goodbye i cant take it anymore” or “im done fighting, you just turned your back on me like everyone else in my life has”. I couldnt do that to the people I love…it kills you on the inseide, it really does. Im not expecting anyone to read this or a response…I just needed to type something…tell something. I dont know how long I can last but something is keeping me from doing it. from ending my pathetic and useless life.