When I think of myself more often then not I just want to puke. I used to be so happy and free spirited and I feel high school and just recent events in my life is ruining me. I am more cynical, I dont get along with parents, I dont have a 4.0, I feel fat and ugly…i am a let down to my amazing little sister and my life is just one big treadmill. Its like ive climbed on and cant get off. I just have to keep running because I cant stop or I will get flung off and I dont know how to shut the stupid thing off. Im getting sick of running. I cant even count all the times I have thought of suicide in my head. I plan scenarios, think of full length notes I would leave including last sentiments and a will, and I think of how the medicine cabinet isnt so far away and the kitchen knife is right there. Last week when i was alone I pulled out a knife and stared at it until i broke down crying. Im a coward. Im not scared of death or what that will bring…im just scared of the pain and especially slitting. I am sick of this liife and im not the same. I am lazy…I just want out. Because honestly there is no point in trying when my life is going no where. I wish my prayers would be answered and I could just die in my sleep but hey maybe God thinks its funny that I feel so depressed and alone. I just wanted to post because I cant tell anyone because it would scare my family friends and boyfriend… and they dont need that right now. I know I should be happy. My family is part of the foster care system and so I know from all the kids we have fostered that there are so many more worse things that happen to young people and for that I feel even more guilty typing this. I just needed this because I feel alone and telling someone would make me feel so bad. My ex would always tell me about how he wanted to commit suicide and how he tried when he was younger and it killed me on the inside to hear it. I would cry for hours because he wouldnt answer my calls and I wouldnt know where he was and I knew he was thinking about that because he sent me texts saying stuff along the lines of “goodbye i cant take it anymore” or “im done fighting, you just turned your back on me like everyone else in my life has”. I couldnt do that to the people I love…it kills you on the inseide, it really does. Im not expecting anyone to read this or a response…I just needed to type something…tell something. I dont know how long I can last but something is keeping me from doing it. from ending my pathetic and useless life.
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Hey. I don’t know how I got here, but now that I’ve read this I can’t not do anything. Please talk to me.. davidy321@hotmail.com for e-mail/msn.
I know you are not expecting a response, but reading your mail made me think a lot about myself when I was suicidal.
Firstly, you are no coward for not ending your life. You have an internal instinct that cares about yourself and other people, and that stops you doing it. That is a beautiful thing in my view, not something to judge yourself on.
Secondly, from your mail, it seems that you are awfully hard on yourself. Let me take some of the things you said:
I dont have a 4.0: Very few of us graduated high school with a 4.0. average (in fact, many of us with a lot less ;-). You can still be successful even if you are just an average student. I recently went to my 20 year school reunion, and it is interesting to see how many successful businesspeople among my year were fairly average students in high school.
I feel fat and ugly: I haven’t seen a picture of you, but I am willing to bet you are neither fat nor ugly. At worst, you are probably like most of us: some parts of your body are attractive and you get complimented on this, and other parts are less attractive. The secret is to accentuate your attractive features, and play down the less attractive ones. Very few of us are supermodel material, but that does not stop the vast majority of us from having an active love life.
I dont get along with parents: Hey, you’re a teenager growing up in a different time to your parents. You are not going to have the same views as them, and as long as you live in their home, you are going to have conflict. See your different views from your parents as a sign you are growing up, and see if you can find ways to express those views in a mature way to your parents, compromising where necessary. And even if they don’t listen, in a couple of years you’ll be out of their judgement anyways.
I am more cynical: Have you ever thought that perhaps your cynicism is just you growing up and realising that the world is not the carefree, happy illusion you had as a child. People let you down, shit happens, you make some bad choices – this is all part of life. As an adult, like most of us, you are going to discover life has bad as well as good parts. Learning to deal with this is part of life.
I hope I haven’t sounded too “preachy”, but I really do think you are being so hard on yourself that it is making you depressed. Learn to forgive yourself for not being perfect – none of us are.
If you want to chat further, my email is drukdeur@live.co.za.
wow, drukdeur should be a psychologist or something. I agree with everything he says and in fact he made me think about myself.
As for you, I understand where you’re coming from as I feel the same way. Just know you’re not alone.
I hope you pull through
You should never feel guilty about the way you feel. Dont feel ashamed of yourself for wanting out when you think you should be happy. Just because the life you have may be enough to leave the regular person content, it doesnt mean you have to be. In all likelihood it just means you want your life to be more meaningful and fulfillng, which obviuosly is a good thing. I know how painful it is to be overly cynical, its one of the main reasons ive been alone for so long. I dont know why i say most of the stuff i do but putting people down is usually all i can come up with t say.
Whatever you decide i hope peace finds you