March 21st, 2009 by Alexis

Its how I feel most of the time. I want to say I just feel stupid most of the time but that’s not the word I’m looking for. I’m extremely hard on myself and reaching out for help is something I hardly ever do. I guess you could say I’m the type who always offers to help ((even people I don’t know)) but never actually asks for help myself especially when I need it. I try to help people as best I can on this site by offering to listen to them, but I feel as if no one will listen to me ((on and off the site)). I don’t blame people for that, I know everyone is different and some people just don’t want to hear other peoples’ problems. That’s fine. I just wish sometimes at least one person would really ask me if I’m okay or if I wanted to talk about it.
I will say I don’t have a bad life by any means, its just I feel so inadequate and insignificant most of the time. I complain when I feel like I shouldn’t be and as I sit here writing this I feel like a ***** for wasting your time. I know there are more important things going on in the world then some person bitching about their life just because they’re not happy. I’m not religious by any means so that whole “talking to god” thing doesn’t work. I just…I’m not sure anymore. I guess I’m feeling this way because I took more Oxycontin tonight ((not to kill myself, just to take it)) as I have struggled with addiction to it for about 4 years. I had been clean from it for about…7 months now, and I just completely fucked that up tonight. But the question remains, why did I take it? I used to take it because I was depressed, but then things got better, now they feel worse than before.
I’m so frustrated with myself to the point I hate myself. I’m mad at myself for writing this. I don’t want to be one of those people that bitches about their life when its average. I don’t want to waste your time and I’m sorry.
Maybe I would be better off dead, I don’t know. It’s not like I haven’t tried to kill myself before, I just suck at it. And it’s not like I don’t have friends, they just suck at understanding.
I don’t know anymore.
I apologize for wasting your time, I was just looking for someone to talk too.
No one understands how much I just want someone to talk too.

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