Just Tired

I really prefer not to die but I see no recourse. I have suffered throughout my life literally since conception. I was born to a woman going thru a nervous breakdown. Her 18 mo. old daughter died of heat stroke.

I weighed only 44oz. at birth. I was delivered via Caesaerean due to complications. I then suffered prolonged oxygen deprivation at abou 3 mos. I was given the last rites of the Catholic Church as i was supposed to die then. I would have been better off.

I then went to an orphanage and multiple foster homes. I was physically abused up till age 3. I was molested at 6 and lost partial use of my left arm. I lived in 1 home for 9 years then was given 4 days notice that I would be leaving. I spent the next 3 years going to 9 differant home/schools  bet. 6-9th grade. If not dealing with psychological torment I was neglected. I emancipated myself at age 15.

I was self employed at 20-21. Again at 22. I have had lifelong cognitive deficits. I can’t handle money, my concept of time is off, I have an inability to plan ahead, I have a hard time writing things down when It comes to keeping track of time, money and obligations.

I have been chronically unemployed and under-employed. I have gone through intermittent bouts of homelessness. I am homeless and destitute right now. I was terminated from a OTR trucking job because I ahd a hard time keeping logs. Something a ten year old can do. I was ticketed twice by D.O.T. officials. I was warned by the company. To no avail. I still got fired. I have horrible luck with jobs anyway, couldn’t find another one. I have usually had the kind of jobs a crackhead gets.

I ahve been in a nightmarish hell. Stumbling around Manhattan homeless and destitute. I have been sleeping in a “shelter” with alcoholics and profoundly mentally ill people. I sleep on chairs. I have woken up covered in lice.

I couldn’t find a stable job when I had an apt. and a truck and the money to get around. What am I going to do now? My disorganized, procrastination, not writing things down B.S. has been the death of me.

I have full blown depression, I am tired physically and mentally. I cant even get an 8 dollar an hour job. The ironic thing is I ahve done side jobs a few years ago where I ahve made over $3000 net in a week. Now Iam going to die of poverty.

Death is better than poverty. I’m was clean cut guy in excellent health and no  criminal record and  a  strong   work ethic who has been self employed. But I am going to die from poverty. It sucks I don’t want to die but there is no way out.

I have no clue how or when I am going to go. I look at the third rail on the subway, and think in 2 minutes it’s over. just jump down and touch it. Go take a swan dive off a bridge. I should have ended it when I still had money. At least i could have went out in peace, clean and a little dignity. Now I am going to die like a stray dog. Filthy,dirty,sick and alone.

I screwed up the oppurtunity to be self employed again a few years ago. I said do or die then. I didn’t do either one. The trucking job another oppurtunity. Screwed  myself again. I have a son that’s the sad part. he is being raised by  two drunks. He was abused. i couldn’t do shit about it because of chronic financial instability. I was  a great father. I used to get complimented by complete strangers. he was always happy when he was with me. But I had one crap dummy job after another. I have the work history of a crackhead.

I don’t drink,do drugs or gamble.  There is no way out for me now. Nothing I could do. I was going to go to a priest, rabbi anybody. Did I piss God off? Did I do something in a past life so bad that I am paying for it in this one. Could,nt even find a stupid local delivery job. Just taking whatever crap I could find.

Someone told me once some people are put on this earth just to suffer. I feel selfish ending my misery when I ahve a son but I can’t get out of this perpetual financial hell.

My body and mind are giving out. I    literally dont know when I am going to die. It’s like this misery is pre-ordained. It sucks. This is my horror show story.   Iam so frigging tired of the damn nightmare.