Message to those left behind

  March 28th, 2009 by July

I won’t presume to know everything that your loved one was thinking or feeling before they committed suicide, but I would like to take a moment to try to explain a little bit of the logic behind suicide.  Again, I’m no expert, only someone who has been wanting to die for more than 30 years.

I feel that people don’t understand what suicidal people are going through, and consider them selfish for doing it.  I disagree.   WHY would you want your loved one to live, suffering each and every day???  It’s not about being selfish, it’s not even about NOT thinking of family and friends…it’s about STOPPING THE PAIN.  Doing whatever it takes to MAKE IT STOP.  You may say “get help!” or “just talk to someone” but that doesn’t always work!  I have tried at least ten different types of meds, talked with many different professionals…nothing has worked.  I, myself, am amazed that I’ve lasted this long.  I suppose cowardice is the reason…and just another reason to hate myself.  Can’t even kill myself right.

Damn.  This wasn’t supposed to be like this.  I honestly thought that I could be a voice for those who are no longer able to speak for themselves.  Screwed this one up too.

Funny thing…you would never know I feel this way unless you were VERY close to me.  I am quite the functioning being.  I have a full time job in a financial institution, been in this line of work for about seven years now.  I try new things just about every day, to try to survive.  I have two grown daughters and one PERFECT grandson.  I suppose they are why I’m still here.  I think my husband would be better off…what a drag to deal with depression.  I certainly would divorce myself if I could!!

I didn’t think I needed to vent…I thought I needed to help…apparently I was wrong.  Thank you for listening.  I don’t expect a comment…I’ve heard it all before.  :/  But thank you and blessings to you all.

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