Notes from a whiny teenager who feels lost

March 18th, 2009by jesserose

First of all, i’m beyond grateful for this site, it has seriously shown me how many people are going through the same stuff I am. Obviously you don’t have to read this, but, i need to write it. I may never go on this site again or check it, but i need to let my soul just spill. I grew up in a Christian home my whole life. My father was a missionary and my mother is/was a seriously strong christian. Recently, i’ve been going through serious depression. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’ve just been a zombie. I’ll come home from school and just want to sleep all day and night. I’ll just want to break down and cry for hours. I come from a really well off family, i go to a private, christian, school. my family is envyed upon by many. i have amazing siblings, i live in a huge house. and yet, i feel so incredibly empty. my mind is continually full of the pictures and stories of hundreds of people around the world who are dying, being abused, and starving at this very moment, while i’m wrighting this. I don’t understand how people can live in a world that is full of such darkness and despair and yet be happy, and get excited for things like prom, or winterformal. such things seem so trivial to me. whenever my friends gossip or rave about a guy i want to shout “don’t you know how meaningless your actions are? do you think it will really matter in the overall scheme of things that bobby didn’t ask you to prom? do you know that people are dying of starvation while your worrying about your weight and thinking about going on a starvation diet to lose a few pounds!” i just feel so inadequate, so lost. i do sports around 6 times a week, so you’d think that the endorphines would kick in already. i just want to die sometimes. the only thing that’s keeping me is my mom, she has such great love, and she’s gone through so much crap in her life, yet she keeps living, and it would kill her to have me die. i know, i’m stupid, there are so many of you who have no one, are in extreme pain, and have legitimate reasons for commiting suicide. i’m just a whiny teenager, and if you feel that way, you have every right to. i’m just glad this website is hear, so i can feel like there are others out there too. there has to be meaning to this life, please tell me there is, there has to be. i need to know that there is more than just this moment, right here, right now. 

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