Pain

March 23rd, 2009by fifi514

My life was perfectly fine until things started in the 5th grade. I was your normal self-centered, bratty, know-it-all, drama queen, annoying, 10-year-old, until my mom decided she was leaving my dad. That day broke my heart, and tears are now splattering on my keyboard just thinking about it. When she told me the news, an unnatural shriek escaped my mouth, and she was surprisingly laughing at me, though I was standing in a pile of tears. Later that day my dad attempted talking to me about it, but for the first time in my whole life he put his head in his hands and cried right in front of me. I had always loved my dad more then my mom, because I remember asking which one she loves more: her computer or me? And she said it was an unfair question because it was tied, “because all of her work was stored on it, and without her writing, she would kill herself.” But it caused our family so much pain. Did you ever fall asleep listening to you mom’s wails? That was her substitute for sleep. Later my mom decided she wasn’t leaving my dad, for the guy she felt she was in love with was a sociopath. He would call us and repeat strange things such as ‘i want four chicken nuggets’ but mainly things worse than that. I am relatively young, and to this day he still emails my mom. All it is, is a bunch of nonsense, one even had my name in it. I was astounded to find out that my mom was now even researching him, and she found that though he was married, he was putting himself online for dating services. My mom has always been very open, and she even went to the extent of telling me that he had planned to rape her, and he was sending perverted links for pre-teens for myself, and links on abusing children for my younger brother, which there is physical proof. She even told me that she wouldn’t put it past him to murder us. At that age, I didn’t realize how dangerous this information was, I just used it to my ability. “Oh, my life is so horrible, everyone should take care of me, and sympathize for me because I’m strong enough to face it…” Just being the brat I was. Now I have put thought into it and am deathly afraid. When walking home, I am alert, and while opening the garage I step to the side and watch for feet, making sure he isn’t waiting for me. Same while stepping into rooms. I’ve had nightmares of him waiting for me in my room with a gun pointed towards me. And my my relationship with my mom is horrible. I am still what you would consider a pre-teen, and she is digging through personal stuff. I don’t want to get to detailed, but today she went too deep. WAY too deep. I told her I hated her then slammed the door. She has a surprisingly man-ish voice when she yells, and it scared me. She screamed that I was a brat, and that she was sending me to some type on instistute to work on my ‘behavior.’ It was then I decided it was too much. I was breaking down, remembering the past and living the present. I took an old medal from winning an after school activity, then tied it to a curtain rod in my room. Putting my head through, I was able to hang for maybe a few seconds. The truth was, is that I didn’t want to die, just to have never been born. So that having to end all the pain wouldn’t have been as hard. I understand that dying isn’t the solution, but when you get past the depression, what’s the point if you have to go back to the thing (in this case my mom) that caused it. I will never forget what she did, also the fact that almost on a daily basis she tells me I have narcisistic tendensies, and that I am unusually bossy and selfish for my age. But even though I am partly all that, what she is diagnosing is the past me, the bratty one. This experience changed me, in some bad ways just like in some good ways. But when hanging didn’t work, becuase I was a coward, and couldn’t face more pain, also because I realized what this would do to my dad, I repeatedly hit myself in the forehead with a bottle, hoping to reach unconsciousness. That would also have evaded the pain. But I wasn’t strong enough for that either, my head was aching. Now I have multiple bumps on my head, covered with a few tiny dark blotches of red. I have been getting off and on headaches, but a dizziness that won’t subside. And I am positive that if I could get my hands on a gun right now, I would shoot myself, becasue that doesn’t cause as much pain. It would be over and done with within a few seconds. Because my life is absolutely pointless, except for all the pain. Plus all the school drama, it’s an overload. I just want to die. To escape it all. And, the truth is, I’m not even near highschool, though I don’t want to give details.

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