i tried to hang myself when i was like 8 or 9 with a jump rope. i was 13 when i took like 8 different bottles of pills. both attempts didnt work, obviously, but i still have horrible nightmares of past experiences and some weird memories of abuse are coming back to me. i wonder if im going crazy and making stuff up (im 17)… i admit that i’d rather be alright and have had a life where NOTHING bad has happened and everything is perfect but im wondering if im not a psychological hypochondriac..the memories are so vivid though. i can remember feelings, and certain smells or textures will trigger memories to come flying back. sometimes i wonder what is the purpose of life when the only requisite is death. i honestly cannot come up with a long term reason to live. i honestly am not living because i WANT TO. im doing it because everytime im staring down the resource officer’s holster at school, or the bottles of bleach and ammonia in the pantry, or submersing myself in bathwater on a sunday night wondering if i should resurface, i think about who it will affect. i dont know how long it will take me to run out of people to live for. can selflessness last a lifetime?
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there wont be anyone to miss me so this is just conjecture but if the people that your staying for really care about you, although they may be sad your gone, shouldnt they be able to find solace in that your no longer suffering? thats what it seems like to me but again im one of the lucky ones who doesnt have to worry about this. But if you do end up staying for loved ones thats one of the noblest things i think anyone can ever do.
I don’t think you want to die, i think you think its to hard to come to terms with your past and hell it is hard. You should go and talk to someone, anyone who could help you. You had a sad, kind of messed up past i get really i do, but you shouldn’t kill yourself because of your attempts in the past. They must haunt you, scare you because you can keep replaying them again, and again in your head, but thats why you need to talk to someone that can help, like a counselor or therapist, there’s nothing wrong with talking to someone and I know they aren’t magic and cannot fix something in the blink of an eye but i truly believe that they could help. Good luck, and try to remember you aren’t who you used to be, but that doesn’t mean it cannot come back to haunt you, so talk it out write it out whatever works, but don’t kill yourself over your past.
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