i tried to hang myself when i was like 8 or 9 with a jump rope. i was 13 when i took like 8 different bottles of pills. both attempts didnt work, obviously, but i still have horrible nightmares of past experiences and some weird memories of abuse are coming back to me. i wonder if im going crazy and making stuff up (im 17)… i admit that i’d rather be alright and have had a life where NOTHING bad has happened and everything is perfect but im wondering if im not a psychological hypochondriac..the memories are so vivid though. i can remember feelings, and certain smells or textures will trigger memories to come flying back. sometimes i wonder what is the purpose of life when the only requisite is death. i honestly cannot come up with a long term reason to live. i honestly am not living because i WANT TO. im doing it because everytime im staring down the resource officer’s holster at school, or the bottles of bleach and ammonia in the pantry, or submersing myself in bathwater on a sunday night wondering if i should resurface, i think about who it will affect. i dont know how long it will take me to run out of people to live for. can selflessness last a lifetime?
written by The long sweet cadence down