So depressed I dont know what to do…

  March 17th, 2009 by Kenny

I’ve been this way for years now. Antisocial. Never the popular guy. Kind of a hermit, I keep to myself. I’ve dealt with depression and feelings of suicide before, but they eventually went away. In the last year though, I’ve really gone back downhill. I’m living alone and I lost by job back in December. That kind of deflated me. For the last year, I’ve been employed for maybe five or six months and for the rest of the time I’ve been jobless. Nothing inspires me. Any job I ever work is thankless and uninspiring and I find myself depressed even when I DO have a job because there’s nothing around here that I really enjoy. Half the time I feel like too much of an idiot to get a better job because I’m what you might call a “book smart, not common sense smart” kind of guy.

Anyway, when I lost my job, I kind of gave up on myself. I decided that I no longer have the energy to deal with life and all the bullshit that comes with it, so I gave up. I don’t even have the energy to apply for new work. I’ve literally given up on myself. I’ve turned in various applications, but nobody’s hiring. I owe crazy amounts of money, so much it’s ridiculous. I don’t have NEARLY enough money to pay all the money that I owe, and in the next two months, I’ll probably be homeless. To make matters worse, my car is screwed up. It won’t start, nobody knows what’s wrong with it and I don’t have the money to take it to a shop and figure out what’s wrong. As a result of my car trouble, I’ve been holed up in this apartment for weeks now unable to go anywhere and it’s driving me stir crazy. I just want to scream.

I just constantly keep thinking to myself, “why can’t I wake up one day and be happy? Why can’t things be fixed?” Unlike depression with other people, I don’t think mine has anything to do with medical issues or chemicals in my brain. My depression is a direct result of the situation I’m in. There’s no pill I can take to fix that. I feel like there’s no way out, and the only source of peace is suicide. But then I’m terrified of going to hell for killing myself, so even THAT isn’t a happy option for me. I feel like there’s literally no way out. I feel like I’m in a crowded room full of people just screaming for help and no one can even hear me, nor do they care.

I no longer have any energy, emotional or otherwise. I feel like I’m completely spent. I feel like I’ve already lived eight lifetimes and the thought of going on for another day is too exhausting. I’ve given up on myself and I don’t know what to do. I can’t handle life anymore.

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