Such a burden and disappointment

I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember. I don’t really know why. I just don’t like to be alive. Nothing has ever happened to me, and I think for most of my life, it hasn’t been a horrible life. I just don’t like living it anymore. It’s getting harder to deal with.

I’m 28, separated from my husband for a year now and have an unplanned pregnancy with someone who I wish would die. I’m not that lucky though. I miss being with husband, I love him more than anything and would do anything for him. We have 2 beautiful girls.  I wish we could be a family again, but he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I can’t blame him, because I think I’ve done some horrible things to him and he wants to protect himself, I guess. Which is why I think it would be better off if I just died. I’m afraid of what would happen if he met someone else, and what would happen to my girls, and I rather not be here to see it. I think about my girls and I still think it would be better for them if I wasn’t here anymore too. They live with him and his mom. I’m not really a mom to them.  I think I can screw them up more by living than if I wasn’t around. Now I have this baby growing inside of me, that I wish I could just rip out of me while I lie there dying. It’s brought more pain to my life than I already had.  I tried to kill myself in Nov, but I got scared and phoned my husband to take to me the hospital, he sent his mom over instead. Now I wish I had the guts to not call anyone. When I was at the hospital, he didn’t come till the next day. My parents didn’t even come right away. When they did come they just looked at me with disgust.

I hate being a burden to everyone. I try not to be, so most days I just try to sleep the day away, just so goes by faster. I don’t out much, unless it’s with my husband and our girls, but though I like being there, I feel he doesn’t want me there, and again I’m a burden.

I go to my parents sometimes, although now it’s uncomfortable because I’m pregnant with some losers baby. When I told them it was pressure to put the baby up for adoption. Being adopted I have mixed feelings about it.  I wonder why my birth mom didn’t believe in abortion. Although I thought about it, I couldn’t do it either. I wonder if this baby inside me will ever wonder why I didn’t abort them. I’m a screw up if I can’t be a mom to this baby and screw them up, or if I give it up for adoption and it regrets ever being born, like me.

I just feel like I’m a disappointment to everyone around me and then everyday that goes on I prove it more and more.

Dying is peaceful, easy. Life is harder. – Bella, Twilight