I dont know why i have joined this site.Where do i start ? The darkness has over come me now all my past has come out of me.I mean i was abused whan i was in childrens home at the age of 9 im now 42.It took me till the age of 37 to tell some one what had happed after several atemps to end my life about 5 years ago.I was told nothing could be done so again i was let down and had to hide it all again.My first wife and i split over all this ,yes we have kids .I remarried just over a year ago and that has now ended due to it all coming out again i failed again thats all i do in my shitty life.I am under the crisies team and doctors at the moment but that dose not help the darkness.Yes i have tryed twice since i left my second wife to kill my self and i have ended up in hospital each time as have been found …I know how i want to end my life now and will carry it out very soon,no i dont care about my kids as the voices in my head tell me not to care about anyone and the darkness tell me also no one cares.I have given up and know its best or me im not scared to die im just scared of the darkness..The doctors have tryed to help but its no good they have better things to do with there time ……
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i know how you feel.
i tried to hang myself when i was like 8 or 9 with a jump rope.
i was 13 when i took like 8 different bottles of pills.
both attempts didnt work, obviously, but i still have horrible nightmares of past experiences and some weird memories of abuse are coming back to me.
i wonder if im going crazy and making stuff up (im 17)…
i admit that i’d rather be alright and have had a life where NOTHING bad has happened and everything is perfect but im wondering if im not a psychological hypochondriac..the memories are so vivid though. i can remember feelings, and certain smells or textures will trigger memories to come flying back.
sometimes i wonder what is the purpose of life when the only requisite is death.
i honestly cannot come up with a long term reason to live.
i honestly am not living because i WANT TO.
im doing it because everytime im staring down the resource officer’s holster at school, or the bottles of bleach and ammonia in the pantry, or submersing myself in bathwater on a sunday night wondering if i should resurface, i think about who it will affect.
i dont know how long it will take me to run out of people to live for.
can selflessness last a lifetime?
I know how it feels when doctors don’t help, but i truly believe that there is some doctor somewhere that can help you! And I am truly sorry that happened to you. Your mind is probably just over the last five years start to let out all the horrible emotions from that time, and i would help to talk to a professional about it. Your kids do need and love you, and thats not to guilt trip you thats inspiration to stay alive! And your kids care, and I’m pretty sure there are more people to, make a list of every person that would be sad if you died, you an do it, i believe in you, I may not be much but i truly hope and pray that you find someone to talk to about this and find peace and closure with your past.
helper