I thought furiously about how I was going to let my parents know, would an email be so bad. If I sent an email they would know straight away, but would they have the computer on, would they even check their emails. I know I didn’t, in-fact it was very rare I checked mine, I would normally have at least 100 emails to make my way through as I left it so long before looking. It does seem a little impersonal, but how else would I let them know. I put the thought to one side as my thoughts redirected themselves to the main problem in hand, how exactly would I do it, how would I kill Myself
My children ran around as I sat at the computer, tears streaming unstoppable down my face. I was no longer crying because of self pity, I had already decided on what had to be done. I was more concerned about how everyone was going to feel. Obviously I was too selfish to stop it, but I was aware of the pain I was going to cause to all around me. My children, my parents the rest of my family. But reaching the bottom I was consumed by wanting to find an end.
I had a plan, as all people considering suicide do. Wait till everyone goes to bed and then, well my plan feels very personal to me, I don’t want to share, sorry. But how did I reach this point, what on earth would force me to think the unthinkable. I couldn’t answer that, a lot of things had happened in my life, not unlike everyone. Nothing terribly bad, nothing unmentionable, just a long line of sad events which alone are stressful but put together over a few years became depressing. The doctor had put me on some pills, which caused me to have panic attacks, a counselor changed them, but they had some nice side effects too. So I tried another, but this one, in a relatively short time had made me want to put an end to it all. No ones fault, just different people different effect,some good some bad.
I had had suicidal thoughts before, not like this though. Before they were like fleeting, disconcerting ideas not unlike the horrible things my mind made me think about myself, I’m useless, I’m ugly, bad mother, bad person, nobody likes you. Upsetting but easier to put aside. This wasn’t just a thought this was to be. Sometime its not the things that made you depressed you want to get away from, its the feeling of being depressed, the person its turned you into. You’re mind plays tricks on you too, you feel like you’re actually going crazy.
Obviously, I’m still here, so I didn’t go through with it, but why, I was so sure. What could change my mind. Well I googled suicide and one of the first sites I visited asked me to read on and I did. I was in such a state I couldn’t tell you most of it but what did stick was one instruction, wait. That made sense to me, if I was going to kill myself what difference would a day make. That advice save my life. I saw my doctor the next day and stayed at my parents house for a week until I was feeling a little better.
The fear from wanting to kill myself also made me realise that I couldn’t ever feel that way again, so I sought other ways of helping myself. Groups with other people who are suffering from depression, courses to help build my confidence up again. I’m now returning to someone I like again. Its a slow bumpy road. Finally I reached a revelation, I was looking forward and not only that, I’m excited about whats to come. So if any of this sounds familiar, just wait and talk to someone. There’s more than one way to end the way you’re feeling.
I wanted to thank all involved in this website. You saved my life at a time where I thought I was totally alone, thank you.