i’m suicidal all the time. it’s always on my mind. i’ve only made one “serious” attempt that got me in the hospital, but i’m scared of asking people for help and i’ve made dozens of mini-attempts (that no one knows about) or put myself in risky situations countless times. i just wish i could die already. i’m scared of what comes after death (i’m agnostic, i don’t have a particular belief because i don’t know.) but i’m scared of what living will bring me as well..
my story is not particularly abnormal or interesting. rejected by a drug abusing father, raped at 18, kicked out of college for lack of money, now living miserably with a mom i have a horrible relationship with at 24 with a terrible job and no prospects of getting anything better. lonely, isolated, self loathing.
i just don’t know how much i can take or why i should bother. i don’t know how i am still alive sometimes, but i’m scared of the consequences of failing another major attempt, and i’m scared of what will happen when i do die. i wish i could stop being a coward and just kill myself already. i dont have money for a doctor, no insurance. i went to the free place in town but they were very mean to me (accused me of things that were flat out untrue), so i left.
5 comments
Please know you are not alone ,I have thought of suicide everyday for years . I have planned to do so at certain times . I have made an attempt and it scares me how easy it was for me to do it . At that time I was being told that everything I had worked for was going to be taken away . Awful things were written about me in the papers and broadcast or t.v. radios and the internet where it never goes way . I spent 3days in Icu and 5 days in the hospital . I have gone to hospitals for help just recently in fact , The best help I have ever had was from counsellors and talk therapy . It does not cure at least not me but it certainly helps. I have never tried the suicide lines but you don’t have to be suicidal when you call ,but they welcome you to call just to talk . I know it is hard to get help and sometimes the help really isn’t . I have made a promise to myself not to take my life in response to a certain situation ,but if I take my life I at least want that control ,I feel this promise has saved me many times even if I feel like I want to be done with it. I use to be able to say to myself …well I will just hang around until I see what tomorrow will bring . I also know you feelings about failed attempts …I came to in an e.r. begging them not to treat me ,but I guess they have to . Try the crises centers and maybe they can get you some personal help ,It might only help an hour or a day but even tht is something . And This is from someone who planned to die yesterday . You have to ask for help ,as with me I really have no friends all taken away from me by betrayal of a few, Remember you are not alone and I will pray for you tonight ,something I can not do for myself . Hugs to you
marbles, you are a very nice and gentle person. If you can pray for others but not for yourself, then I’ll do it for you.
thanks marbles. i agree with lilian saying you are very kind. i hope you can find peace for yourself, too.
i have tried suicide lines a couple times and i end up getting angry because the stuff the person says to me doesnt seem to help (once i was told to take a walk and get my mind off of it.. as if its so easy) but i do usually end up so angry that i forget how suicidal i was feeling so i guess it works somehow..
/HUGS
I don’t know who you are but /HUGS.
I wysh I could offer you more than four letters and a backslash but idk what else I could possibly say or do that could express myself better than that. If only I could take this from you…..
Depression is a very serious illness. Suicidal ideas and attempts are among symptoms of clinical depression. Many people are ignorant. There is stigma regarding the whole topic of depression and suicidal attemps. A person that has attempted suicide needs his/her family, friends, co-workers, etc., to give him/her love and support. It is very sad that people tend to isolate the person that attempted suicide. Be kind to this person. No one knows the future. Suicidal behavior can happen to anyone!!!!!!