i’m suicidal all the time. it’s always on my mind. i’ve only made one “serious” attempt that got me in the hospital, but i’m scared of asking people for help and i’ve made dozens of mini-attempts (that no one knows about) or put myself in risky situations countless times. i just wish i could die already. i’m scared of what comes after death (i’m agnostic, i don’t have a particular belief because i don’t know.) but i’m scared of what living will bring me as well..
my story is not particularly abnormal or interesting. rejected by a drug abusing father, raped at 18, kicked out of college for lack of money, now living miserably with a mom i have a horrible relationship with at 24 with a terrible job and no prospects of getting anything better. lonely, isolated, self loathing.
i just don’t know how much i can take or why i should bother. i don’t know how i am still alive sometimes, but i’m scared of the consequences of failing another major attempt, and i’m scared of what will happen when i do die. i wish i could stop being a coward and just kill myself already. i dont have money for a doctor, no insurance. i went to the free place in town but they were very mean to me (accused me of things that were flat out untrue), so i left.