I am 36 years old. My husband and i of almost 12 years separated in January 2009. I moved with my oldest daughter and her son. After i was gone for about 2 weeks he moved in with his new girlfriend. When i found this out i went absolutely crazy! He then decided that he and i needed to work on things and try to get back together. He moved to his mothers house with his 13 year old daughter. We were seeing each other as much as we could because we were working different shifts. My bills were rolling in and i had no money to pay them. I was going to have to find a place for my daughter and her son to go and also me 2. Everything was getting ready to shut off and i was at wits end. Then on March 6,2009 my husband started making excuses why he couldnt come see me. We were supposed to spend the weekend together. Then on Saturday he blew me off again. Sunday March 8, he told me that he thought we just needed to stay separated and think about divorce. I flipped out!!!
I started writing letters to my loved ones. My husband, my 3 daughters, my mom, and my sister. I then wrote a letter in case someone found me and told them my name and my husband number and my sisters number to let them know that i had taken my pathethtic life. I then went to the medicine cabinet and got 3 different kinds of medicine that was my oldest daughters. She had post parteum depression and had 2 different prescriptions for that and then she had blood pressure med for migraines. I also had a whole bottle of over the counter sleeping pills. I took my letters and all the medicine and got into my vehicle and began driving. I live 15 miles away from where my husband was living. I drove there. I went to the cemetary to visit his aunt that passed away in may of 2008. i thought maybe she would send me some sort of message to help me. No such luck. I took the whole bottle of blood pressure pills while sitting in the cemetary. I waited about 30 minutes then drove across town to Walmart to take my blood pressure. When i got there i saw the woman my husband had been seeing with my step daughter. I just couldnt stay focused enuf to stop myself from going any further with dying. I sent hima text message and told him to tell her that she better watch her back. My heart was racing and i was a complete utter mess! My blood pressure was extremely high! My pulse was racing. I then left and went back to the cemetary. I was an absolute mess!!! I then took the next bottle of pills(effexor) then sat and talked to his aunt again. Still no answers. All i could see was that woman with my step daughter, who i raised for the last 12 years. I then sent my husband antoher text message and told him that i loved himand that i was sorry that i was such a horrible wife and that i would be with him again someday. he was totally confused and asked me what i had done. I told him its too late!!! I then took the 3rd bottle of pills.(Lexapro) I then took off driving. I knew someone would find me at the cemetary. I began driving out of the town where i was and started back to my hometown. I decided to take a side road and just drive. I really dont know where i ended up. I started getting very sleepy and felt like i was going to get sick. I turned down another side road that took me to somewhere that i felt no one would find me so id be safe to finish myself off! My husband kept trying to call me but i just ignored his calls. My sister tried to call, my mom, my daughters, my friends. I ignored all calls. I then found something in my vehicle to try to cut my wrist. I did cut it but it wasnt deep enuf. I then began taking the sleeping pills. I began getting very sleepy and cold. My heart was pounding so hard that i could hear the beats. i was shaking so badly. I then felt like i was going to get sick. I got out of my vehicle and began getting sick. Then my husband called me. For some reason i answered. He asked me where the hell i was. I really didnt know where i was. But i told them the direction i had went. I also told him i was getting really tired and weak. I then passed out, outside my vehicle(still running) i had a cd in my cd player, our wedding song playing on repeat as loud as i could have it. Hearing birds chirping and i felt a sense of relief and peace. The light was getting brighter. I heard voices….almost like they were whispering. It was my husband and my mother in law. My husband picked me up off the ground and put me in his moms vehicle and they rushed me to the hospital. I was taken to the er. They ripped my clothes off and began hooking me up to heart monitors and started ivs and pumped my stomach. Why did i tell them the direction i had gone? I was almost dead and they freaking saved me. I was tehn taken to critical care until the next day. I then had to go to psych floor for 72 hours.
Well then my husband decided that we were meant to be together and he wanted to be with me. He said seeing me laying on the ground almost dead scared the shit out of him to the point that he realized he didnt ever want to be without me. He stayed around for 3 weeks. He left me again Saturday March 28, 2009. I am now having the same damn feelings of wanting to just die!! I just wish he would see that without him in my life i feel worthless and really do not want to be on this earth without him!! Hes been my rock for so long and now hes gone again!! I just dont understand why the hell everything i do i screw up!!! I feel like a failure and feel like i just wish they had let me die. I cannot handle the hurt i am feeling!! Why does he not see that i am trying so hard to be the woman i know i can be?? I just want him to be with me even if it is out of pity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6 comments
You cannot make someone love you and be with you for any reason that does not suit them. It is not about the other person but like all things is about ourselves. If he cannot find a reason to be with you and perhaps even love you it is time to move on as love does not always last forever and all enduring besides the love for our children which I believe is the one true unconditional love there is.
By the way you told your story it seems that he is using you for whatever emotional, mental or physical gratification you give him. Sticking with someone for three weeks than leaving when he knew the kind of state you were in and what you tried to do would say to me that he does not love you but at the time probably eased his guilt about what had happened.
You have children and if they are in your care you owe them every ounce of strength you can muster in order fulfill your motherly obligations to them. If your husband won’t do the same for them and remain in their life for the sake of them than well he is a shell of a human. Times like this you have to look at what is really important. Find strength in your children and get better and continue living for them. Go talk to someone professionally and see if that helps. You can claim to have successfully raised all the children and that is a hard thing especially when one of them isn’t yours. It takes a lot of love, kindness and strength to do all that and to keep a family together for as long as 12 years. I cannot even come close to claiming such a profound accomplishment in my life and if you can do all this I see no reason why you cannot recover from this. Your life will get back on track and someday you will in all likely hood find someone that loves you for you. You can always try a dating website, plentyoffish.com is pretty popular one. Good luck to you. I really feel that anyone who could be a mother to so many has all the strength they need, you just have to let it loose.
Hi i know how you feel , my wife nad i split up after only a year she was my rock my life that was only back in jan this year.I have tryed many time to end my life and feel like the next time will be soon.I to dont pick up the phone when it gose off.Am having all the help there is but its not wat i want .I just want to die too.The darkness in my life is to great to bare now and yes it hurts i know that.i dont think of others just me i have been doing that to long now .If you would like to talk any time this is my email penthouse_si@yahoo.co.uk .Be safe in are world
Hi i got wrong email its .com im up all the time so feel free to chat
I dont know what its like to marry. I dont know what its like to have your husband or wife leave you for someone else. But what i do know and can relate to you is that i know what its like to love. I can understand the total dependance you feel and that you would sacrifice yourself for them as your life is nothing compared to the love you feel for this person. I can see how hurt and betrayed you feel to have someone leave you like that. Most people at this point ould say to you, “well then he’s obviously not worth you, why are you getting so hung up about it” those who say that to you are ignorent of true love. So i will not say this to you, nor will i tell you to find somebody else as there is no other than the oe you love. So i will say this to you. If yourlife is so worthless compared to the love you feel for him, then what is it compared to those you love you. Take your daughters for example, they will love you weather you feel thias or not. You seem to have finanical difficultys, were will your daughters go after yove gone, into the care of the new woman of his, or maybe a orphanage. I know what i ask of you is cruel, it is unfair to ask this of someone after they have been through so much allready, but here i am asking it of you. Just to stay alive, not for your sake but others. And before you tell me i dontknow what im talking about, yes i do. I have been through it as well. Giveing yourself up to a life of misery and lonliness for others is like a living hell. You are alive but then you are not, for you feel no emotion but a feirce lonliness and a deep calling out for love. Please do not be angry at me for saying such things, but they have to be said, i know that all to well. Please contact me and maybe we could talk through this, there are more of us in this situation than you think. harvey-john@live.co.uk
Almost the same exact situation here. Jan 18,09,11 years, she living with another man,2 step kids. Is a tough one to deal with for me too.Tough to keep it together for me, shes just having fun.I havent made an attempt- no such thing for me- its a decision. I think of something I have to do everyay- cant end it till thats done, and so on.Got three methods to go that I carry with me everyay- I live in my vehicle now.I still find a reason everyday not to do it. tdr27580@aol.com
I really hope you are feeling better now. If not please give it time and tell yourself ‘you can get through this’. It is amazing how life can turn for the better, I know I’ve been there and know that just about anything is possible if you give it a chance and the great healer -TIME. Take care J