I am 36 years old. My husband and i of almost 12 years separated in January 2009.Â I moved with my oldest daughter and her son.Â After i was gone for about 2 weeks he moved in with his new girlfriend. When i found this out i went absolutely crazy! He then decided that he and i needed to work on things and try to get back together. He moved to his mothers house with his 13 year old daughter. We were seeing each other as much as we could because we were working different shifts. My bills were rolling in and i had no money to pay them. I was going to have to find a place for my daughter and her son to go and also me 2. Everything was getting ready to shut off and i was at wits end. Then on March 6,2009 my husband started making excuses why he couldnt come see me. We were supposed to spend the weekend together. Then on Saturday he blew me off again. Sunday March 8, he told me that he thought we just needed to stay separated and think about divorce. I flipped out!!!
I started writing letters to my loved ones. My husband, my 3 daughters, my mom, and my sister. I then wrote a letter in case someone found me and told them my name and my husband number and my sisters number to let them know that i had taken my pathethtic life. I then went to the medicine cabinet and got 3 different kinds of medicine that was my oldest daughters. She had post parteum depression and had 2 different prescriptions for that and then she had blood pressure med for migraines. I also had a whole bottle of over the counter sleeping pills. I took my letters and all the medicine and got into my vehicle and began driving. I live 15 miles away from where my husband was living. I drove there. I went to the cemetary to visit his aunt that passed away in may of 2008. i thought maybe she would send me some sort of message to help me. No such luck. I took the whole bottle of blood pressure pills while sitting in the cemetary. I waited about 30 minutes then drove across town to Walmart to take my blood pressure. When i got there i saw the woman my husband had been seeing with my step daughter. I just couldnt stay focused enuf to stop myself from going any further with dying. I sent hima text message and told him to tell her that she better watch her back. My heart was racing and i was a complete utter mess! My blood pressure was extremely high! My pulse was racing. I then left and went back to the cemetary. I was an absolute mess!!!Â I then took the next bottle of pills(effexor) then sat and talked to his aunt again. Still no answers. All i could see was that woman with my step daughter, who i raised for the last 12 years. I then sent my husband antoher text message and told him that i loved himand that i was sorry that i was such a horrible wife and that i would be with him again someday. he was totally confused and asked me what i had done. I told him its too late!!!Â I then took the 3rd bottle of pills.(Lexapro) I then took off driving. I knew someone would find me at the cemetary. I began driving out of the town where i was and started back to my hometown. I decided to take a side road and just drive. I really dont know where i ended up. I started getting very sleepy and felt like i was going to get sick. I turned down another side road that took me to somewhere that i felt no one would find me so id be safe to finish myself off! My husband kept trying to call me but i just ignored his calls. My sister tried to call, my mom, my daughters, my friends. I ignored all calls. I then found something in my vehicle to try to cut my wrist. I did cut it but it wasnt deep enuf. I then began taking the sleeping pills.Â I began getting very sleepy and cold. My heart was pounding so hard that i could hear the beats. i was shaking so badly. I then felt like i was going to get sick. I got out of my vehicle and began getting sick. Then my husband called me. For some reason i answered. He asked me where the hell i was. I really didnt know where i was. But i told them the direction i had went. I also told him i was getting really tired and weak. I then passed out, outside my vehicle(still running) i had a cd in my cd player, our wedding song playing on repeat as loud as i could have it.Â Hearing birds chirping and i felt a sense of relief and peace. The light was getting brighter. I heard voices….almost like they were whispering. It was my husband and my mother in law. My husband picked me up off the ground and put me in his moms vehicle and they rushed me to the hospital. I was taken to the er. They ripped my clothes off and began hooking me up to heart monitors and started ivs and pumped my stomach. Why did i tell them the direction i had gone? I was almost dead and they freaking saved me. I was tehn taken to critical care until the next day. I then had to go to psych floor for 72 hours.
Well then my husband decided that we were meant to be together and he wanted to be with me. He said seeing me laying on the ground almost dead scared the shit out of him to the point that he realized he didnt ever want to be without me.Â He stayed around for 3 weeks. He left me again Saturday March 28, 2009. I am now having the same damn feelings of wanting to just die!! I just wish he would see that without him in my life i feel worthless and really do not want to be on this earth without him!!Â Hes been my rock for so long and now hes gone again!!Â I just dont understand why the hell everything i do i screw up!!!Â I feel like a failure and feel like i just wish they had let me die. I cannot handle the hurt i am feeling!! Why does he not see that i am trying so hard to be the woman i know i can be?? I just want him to be with me even if it is out of pity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!