everything to nothing

  April 15th, 2009 by tess

today i was in that mood. the one thats haunted me for 5 years, the mood where jumping off a tall building feels like a good idea. i mean, i’ve been given every advantage. as far as skin color goes, i am not a minority, therefore not having to deal with racism. i do not have to deal with divorce in my family. i am not abused. my family doesn’t have to worry about money. i was born healthy, smart. a bright, successful future is all that is pictured for me. and in 16 short years, i managed to screw that up. i am too ugly, too short, too fat to get a boyfriend, to even be kissed. i have completely trashed my body. and not trashed in a remotely cool way, like with drugs or alcohol, no. as my dad says, i’m eating my way into a very early grave. as far as school goes, i think i peaked back inn middle school. my grades are steadily dropping, and when your friends are in the top ten, it feels even worse. a girl keeps bitching me out in the locker room; i never said anything to her, and i just metaphorically lie down on the floor and take the kicks. i cry in the stalls. my “friends” yelled at me at lunch for being a bad jew. for breaking passover a few hours early. these “friends” are christian. and it seems i’m always telling a lie. for anything, everything. it feels like my life is crumbling, tumbling around me. i can’t stop it. and that is why, 5 years later, i am ready to GET OUT. i don’t want this any more. i can’t see a future where i am any less miserable than i am now. let me out.

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