everything went wrong

I am 30 now. I was thinking a lot about suicide since I was a teenager, but i never tried it, all I did was cutting myself.

I always thought this sadness and lonelyness inside me would go away, but it just didn’t.

When i was 21 i was in therapy for a while and I stopped cutting myself after that, moved abroad and started school. But the sadness always stayed with me.

I graduated from school, I am an artist and in school i was really good, but now it’s of course very difficult. That’s probably how it is for everybody, but i don’t have the strength to live this uncertain artist-life. I thought i did, but now it’s just eating me up. All my colleagues seem to be so determined and self-assured.

I was in a relationship for 4 years, which was mostly very good for me. We were talking about children and I started to feel like it is going to last. Like I finally arrived somewhere.

A year ago, he cheated on me, I thought I could deal with it, but I couldn’t. The past two months I was traveling alone, to get a bit of distance. I even thought about going back to my home-country, staying there, starting something new, although I didn’t know what exactly.

He told me I should come home to him, we should be together and that he loved me. I was very happy about that.

I came back a week ago.

He was acting very distant and the second night he didn’t come home and spent the night with another woman. He told me the next day, packed his stuff and moved out. Now he is with her. He had met her already while I was travelling, but he wanted to wait until I came back, just to see me again one more time and be sure that it’s over.

I feel like he tricked me into coming back here. Now I am here, and I feel so out of place and lonely. I’m living in our old apartment. Today I packed his stuff in boxes. He’s going to partys with our old friends, I stay at home cause I don’t want to see anybody. Everybody feels a bit sorry for me and I can’t stand that.

I don’t have a job anymore here, I don’t know where to go and I am almost out of money.

I need somebody to talk to, but I don’t want to ask my friends. They think I should be happy that I got rid of him, but that doesn’t help me.

I thought we were already like a family. I never thought he would leave me.

Everybody says, that I am in the great position that I can make all my choices now, that everything is open. But I feel so weak, I always did. I can’t start allover again in a new place, I can’t stay here, I feel like a stranger, I was gone for too long.

I wish i was dead. I’m scared that I start cutting myself again, I think I need help, but I don’t want to. I have been like this since so many years, and it doesn’t get any better, I don’t get any better. I don’t want to continue like that: lost and sad and weak.

I’m sorry this post became so long in the end…