From someone who has loved…lost…heartbroken….and is slowly picking up the pieces…

  April 21st, 2009 by kay

In September my mum took her own life, she brought me up as a single teenage mum and made my life as amazing as she possibly could. She went back to school, achieved a business degree and got a great job helping small nurseries improve their business and the standard of child care. She was a beautiful, intelligent, creative, funny, loving and much loved woman…my heroine and inspiration. She also suffered varying degrees of depression throughout her life and tragically last summer had a nervous breakdown – sadly due to the stress of her job and bullying in it. She sought help from her doctor, was prescribed anti-depressants and given counselling, after a few weeks treatment was not helping – due to the disgracefully poor mental health facilities where we live.


After six weeks and a short stay in hospital she was brought home, she seemed to be getting better, and then on Wednesday 24th September I returned home late from work and found her hanging from her bedroom door. Mercifully she had made it so I couldn’t get into the room but was able to push the door enough to cut the belt from the dressing gown I had bought her for Christmas around her neck, paramedics and police arrived and broke down the door…she was dead.


In those few minutes my whole life changed forever…I lost my beautiful mum, my best friend. I had to leave our home as I couldn’t stay in the same house she had died; I even had to give our cat that we had for 18 years – since I was two years old to an animal shelter. My Nan and granddad lost their daughter, my aunts and uncles their sister and best friend, my cousins their beloved aunty and her friends their wonderful friend, the world lost a bright star…with so much to live for and so much more to give…she was 37 years old.


The day after my mum’s funeral, my cousin went home and hung himself in his garage, not note, no indication we had no clue…he was just 21 years old. Why my cousin took his life we will never know…was he deeply depressed and we just never knew? Was he influenced by my mum? I haven’t a clue. My mum was very ill by the time she took her decision, but all the time I think to myself….what if she had just thought differently? What if she thought sod the bullies…sod the job…it doesn’t matter! I understand why my mum took her life; she couldn’t take the pain anymore but what if? If she had better treatment? Different medication? What if she had met the right person, fallen in love? She could have just left her job and started again…achieved her dream of helping in orphanages in Africa.

Please don’t think I don’t understand what it’s like to be depressed, I was bullied throughout school and have been through abusive relationships and suffered anxiety attacks…and that’s before all this happened. But if you just looked at life in a positive view, things always change…they NEVER stay the same, nothing in this world ever does.


If anyone had reason to commit suicide it was me and trust me I’ve thought about it many times in the last seven months…often I shout out to my mum and threaten to do the same just to be with her again. My life was over and at the time, though I was completely numb and in shock…think of a zombie and that’s how I functioned….


But I have since met, fell in love and moved in with the most amazing man whose love and support have brought sunshine back into my life. I still have dark days…sometimes the pain is too much to bear. A few hours ago I was shaking in hysterical tears, trying to do a Ouija board to talk to my mum just one more time…now I’m sat here holding her jumper…trying to get the last little part that still smells of her. I’d give anything to see her, hug her and tell her it’s all ok and she didn’t have to do it. Knowing she will never be around when I get married, buy a home, have babies as she so wanted me shatters my heart, and there are times just like a few hours ago when I think about taking my life too….now I’m sat here trying to help you, determined to make my mum proud and live out her dreams for her.

And do you know what I don’t want to die….for a start she would seriously kick my ass once I got up there with her, and because there is so much beauty, love and happiness in this world…you just have to find your own, grab it and don’t let it go. There will be some awful times and there will be some amazing times….I know though they had their dark days my mum and Danny had amazing days too.

What I’m trying to make you all see is that you are not alone…darkness comes and it goes, don’t let it beat you, however hard it gets, it won’t last….try with all your mite to see the positive side….nothing is so terrible that you give your life to it…you are lucky to have it….cherish it…nurture it and it will give back to you.

Take care beautiful people….sunshine follows the rain


Kay x

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