I have a lot of things. I have a lot more than many people. Â I am healthy, attractive, happily married, and just about to graduate from a great grad-school. I have everything to live for, but I every time when I turn around the corner, I see death calling me. I really cannot think about anything that I want bad enough to live for. Tonight I relapsed. I took aÂ needle andÂ piecedÂ through my skin and my veins. For a brief moment I felt something. When I saw my blood oozing out of my arm, I felt maybe a brief moment of something. Â I know exactly what I need to do to kill myself, I have it planed, have it calculated, I know how many grams it takes for me to pass in 4-minutes. Haha, I guess I am a nerd. I have tried to hang myself several times, I guess I was just scared and did notÂ succeed. I was afraid that if by any chance I ended up not dying, the disruption of blood flow to my brain will cause someÂ permanentÂ damage. Hell, if I can’t live with everything right in my life, how am I suppose to endure a life with brain injury? I am not afraid of dying, or pain, but I am afraid of after life. What happen if life really does not end? Then dying is useless. I just want to disappear, no after life, no hell, no heaven, I just want to not exist. Everyday I put on a strong face because I know there are people who depend on me. I also know howÂ unpleasantÂ a depressed person is to others, and I don’t want other people to look at me that way. So, I guess in a way I am perfectly normal, but in another way, there is something really really wrong about me. Â Everyday is like torture, people should never live like this. I have been reading people’s suicide stories, there is always a reason. I don’t think there is any one who just want to die for no reason? I believe in god. I believe there are a greater power that is governing the laws that keeps the world going. How I wish he could just turn me into a part of the energy that is circling around. I don’t know any thing, any more… I have left a couple notes on a couple websites. No one has ever wrote anything. I don’t even know why I am writing it here. I guess I just want somebody to help me ease my pain, and for once I can beÂ brutallyÂ honest and show another side of me no one has ever seen except for myÂ therapist. So, have Â good night, and I hope all of you another happy day.