Maddening Shroud

  April 25th, 2009 by MisterRiddler

It’s been 6 years of an undiagnosed, untreated progressive depression.

The Stages:
Stage one just started with deep thinking. What we all go through, what is life worth? who loves me? what would the world be like if i’m dead, etc.

Stage two became mind over matter. This is the point beyond sadness. Cutting never hurt, it was just a way to wake up into reality again, to start feeling again, even it was just sadness.

Stage three was my addiction. I became addicted to cutting as it would relieve me of the emptiness. Cutting eventually stopped working (it works like pain killers, my body developed a tolerance), so I’d run the deep cuts under hot water.

Stage four contemplates suicide. Planning a suicide, the initial thinking again about who it affects, the best way to do it, etc.

Stage five apathy and contentness. There is no sadness, there is no addiction, its all beyond it now. It’s not about the planning of suicide. It’s coming to terms with death and accepting the fact that we all die, and some of die on the inside a little faster. It’s understanding that death doesn’t need a reason to kill, even if we’d like a reason to die. I feel like I’m okay with my life to die.

Finally, I’d like to leave you with a set of lyrics I’m currently addicted to:

Sometimes I like to get away from this maddening shroud
Sometimes I love, you know, it’s all insane
Maybe it’s time for me to pack it in
Maybe it’s time for me to track it in
Maybe it’s time for me to throw…

Oh, I’ve got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
After all, what is it worth?

.:[-]:.
<3MisterRiddler

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