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my story

by whhorvat

Throughtout my life I have faced many chalenges. A year ago on this Friday, May 1, I was raped by my best friend. I talked to my mom’s ex-boyfriend about it and he seemed very compassionate and willing to help me with my recent misfortune. I trusted him greatly, so I decided to spend 2 weeks at his house, which is in fact 6 hours away from my house. Needless to say, he raped me more than once in my sleep. Both of these terrible experiences have led me to extreme depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I never thought I would ever become suicidal, but I eventually did. I went to a mental hospital on December 19 in hopes I could recieve help for my depression and PTSD, but they kicked me out early becasue of Christmas. I had been taking Amatryptalene (?) since the beginning of December; it is a antidepressant I had been taking for my extreme migranes that I had been having for a lengthy period. I quit taking it the day I got home from the hospital on December 23 HUGE MISTAKE.  My depression worsened and I felt I couldn’t go on. I felt so hopeless and full of despair that I didn’t feel the need to live. On January 5, the day before we resumed school, I overdosed on 33 of my Amatryptalene, which should have killed me. I remember calling my uncle over at 2:00 AM and puking, which saved my life. He sat on the couch with me as I slept unconsciously. This event scares the crap out of me and I find it very difficult to forgive myself for my mishap of overdosing. I wish I could forget the memories of being raped and my suicide. I know I have to think about it in order to get over it, but each time I do or try helping myself with it, I become more and more suicidal and I get a sense of loss within myself. I feel that I can’t talk to anyone about it because they will send me back to the mental hospital – that would be my third times since December 19. I’ve been to the ER 6 times in the last year, the most I have ever been there in my life, and I do not want to go back. It is so scary. I hate fighting the constant battle with myself about suicide. It is an everyday occurance for me that never ends. I feel so trapped…

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upliftinglydotcom 4/29/2009 - 5:08 am

when i was in first grade my teacher sexually and physically and verbally abused me. she raped me several times and half the day on some days i would be locked in the closet, which was especially bad because i already had claustrophobia and was VERY afraid of the dark. this went on for half the school year until i just happened to say something that made my mom say “wait.,..WAHT DID YOU SAY?” and her and my dad figured out what was going on and they got that teacher fired and got me help. thing is, for a kid in 1st grade, mom and dad know everything, right? in most cases, thats how kids see things. so i was thinking, yeah, this is really horrible (while it was happening) but i thought that my mom and dad just knew because they were omnipotent. so i thot it was my fault. really shaped my thought processes in a bad way. but over time i have gotten way past that and i know you feel trapped but it gets better. maybe finding a support group to go to would help. theres also anonymous 800 numbers you can call if you just need to talk to someone at the time, and websites like this one. i think it is really good that you are talking about it. it is not your fault. you are not a bad person. you are a beautiful person and i know you will get through this. im very sorry that such horrible things happened to you, but you will get past this. you are strong and i believe in you. heh. i was locked up same time you were. almost didnt get out for christmas to see my kids. just keep posting in here and updating us. it will get better. just dont try to tackle it on your own, you have support here if no where else (but i bet you can find support elsewhere, too).

danu 4/29/2009 - 6:23 am

I really want to talk with you. I want 2 tell you that i’m being with you!!!

hauntingyou 4/29/2009 - 4:29 pm

My mother was a drug addict who’d neglected me when I was younger. I moved from house to house, and between family members for about 10 years. Then my mother died a year ago from a drug overdose, and “NO” it wasn’t suicide. A few months later I found out I was a lesbian. Then last summer my cousin raped and sexually assaulted me. Then a couple of months after that, my cousin (the same one) beat and verbally bullied me. I found out over the 2 weeks the beatings went on that what he was doing and what he had done before, were hate crimes. There were a couple of other really bad things that had happened to me. But that’s just the most important stuff. Now, I’m in the same situation as you. I’m very sorry for what you’ve had to go through. I’d like to talk to you. Here’s my e-mail:
hannahwaldron25@yahoo.com

Note: if I don’t answer right away, it’s because I’m either in school, or not on the computer. So, don’t fret if I don’t answer for a while.

accuseddevil 5/1/2009 - 6:53 pm

if you realy want to get the images out of your head kill the bastard’s that raped you it will replace the eternal torment with a sense of accomplishment and self security what you would need to do after commiting the said act turn yourself into the police station and tell them why you did it say you where totaly wasted drunk and cry to make them feel pity I HATE RAPISTS they make me so angry

Soldier 8/16/2009 - 1:24 pm

So
u overdosed 33 pills
n u r still alive
n u think u r unlucky
grt,can’t believe

get a life girl,u know”shit happens”
it was bad it happened 2 u,but it wasn’t ur fault
n der r many a worse case where people r in much worse situation than u n dat 2 coz ov themselves
if ne1 deserves to be sad,it’s dem
if ne1 deserves suiciding,it’s them

u
no u don’t deserve
u r as normal and good as ne of us,and perhaps braver den most of us
be happy
if u wanna contact me,leave a mail at arpit_lostidentity@yahoo.co.in
have a grt life;)

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