my story

April 28th, 2009by whhorvat

Throughtout my life I have faced many chalenges. A year ago on this Friday, May 1, I was raped by my best friend. I talked to my mom’s ex-boyfriend about it and he seemed very compassionate and willing to help me with my recent misfortune. I trusted him greatly, so I decided to spend 2 weeks at his house, which is in fact 6 hours away from my house. Needless to say, he raped me more than once in my sleep. Both of these terrible experiences have led me to extreme depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I never thought I would ever become suicidal, but I eventually did. I went to a mental hospital on December 19 in hopes I could recieve help for my depression and PTSD, but they kicked me out early becasue of Christmas. I had been taking Amatryptalene (?) since the beginning of December; it is a antidepressant I had been taking for my extreme migranes that I had been having for a lengthy period. I quit taking it the day I got home from the hospital on December 23 HUGE MISTAKE.  My depression worsened and I felt I couldn’t go on. I felt so hopeless and full of despair that I didn’t feel the need to live. On January 5, the day before we resumed school, I overdosed on 33 of my Amatryptalene, which should have killed me. I remember calling my uncle over at 2:00 AM and puking, which saved my life. He sat on the couch with me as I slept unconsciously. This event scares the crap out of me and I find it very difficult to forgive myself for my mishap of overdosing. I wish I could forget the memories of being raped and my suicide. I know I have to think about it in order to get over it, but each time I do or try helping myself with it, I become more and more suicidal and I get a sense of loss within myself. I feel that I can’t talk to anyone about it because they will send me back to the mental hospital – that would be my third times since December 19. I’ve been to the ER 6 times in the last year, the most I have ever been there in my life, and I do not want to go back. It is so scary. I hate fighting the constant battle with myself about suicide. It is an everyday occurance for me that never ends. I feel so trapped…

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