Sick of being the fuckup

You can write, young man. You described your problem very well, reeding your post I could almost feel what you feel, and it is painful. You are only 21 years old and you talk about a “long history of depression”. This means that it started more or less in your childhod, didn’t it? Where there serious troubles, external causes which might explain a reactive depression? Are you sure that it was the right diagnosis? that your medication was and is the proper one? Your actual sympthoms suggest that something may be wrong in the treatment. It seems to be poisoning you instead of helping, but that may be also due to its combination with alcohol. Alcohol doesn’t help at all, it can only worsen things and be really dangerous if combined with medication. But I am sure that you know that already and I don’t need to say too much about it. Stopping alcohol assumption should be your first target, also in order to understand if the medicine is the proper one when taken without alcohol.
I am so sorry about your suffering and about the waste of your talent. Indeed you have a lot of talent, in spite of your illness and taking psychoactive substances you are in college. It is a tremendous effort. You made it, and this proves that you are very good. Please, before considering suicide check all other options, e.g. 1) involving your parents, relatives, adults who could help you; 2) joining a help group like ALANON in your area; 3) going to another doctor and get a second opinion about your treatment; 4) finding another counselor.
It is not too late to regain control of the situation, but don’t wait much longer. Please write again if you wish to. If the suicide help line is busy and you don’t have anybody to talk to, I am here for you. My mail is nocheingast@aol.com