The story of my life

April 22nd, 2009by hotfootelliot

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The story of my life

Gosh where do I begin. Well I guess I will start with saying that today has been an absolute horrible day. In fact today is the reason I decided to open up my laptop and start writing. You see I am one of those real quiet sit in the corner type of guys. I sit back and watch everyone else have fun while I sit on the sidelines and think what it would be like to be them.

I guess I will start by telling you a little about myself. I am a 25 year old male living in a small town called Redding, CA. I am approx. 6 ft. tall and weigh 337 lbs. I am single not married an gay. I currently live with my parents which is a story in itself (I will go deeper into this one a little later). I have no kids, Just a dog who I adore.

When I was just outta high school I moved from a small mountain town to Redding, where I lived with a couple friends. It was my first experience with living away from home. I had a full time job and was fully supporting myself for the first time ever.

After living in Redding for about six months I felt different. I felt down all the time. The smile that was on my face was fake. I felt like I was putting on a show for everyone. I deserved an academy award for the acting I did. I would cry myself to sleep almost every night. I was in a dark place and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. It got to the point where I thought about ending it all.

Then one night I was visiting my aunt and brother. Me and my brother were caring on a conversation about who knows what when all of the sudden out of nowhere I blurted “I want to kill myself”. I am not sure who was more shocked me or my brother. We both just stood there in awe for a moment.

After a very awkward moment my brother said you have to go inside and talk to aunt Linda. I was insisting that I didn’t want to. I knew if I told her she would make me call my parents right then and there and tell them everything. Of course I lost the battle. I went in and I told my aunt all the feelings of hopelessness that I had been feeling and the dark dark place that I was in. Just as I had predicted she had my mom on the phone and told her the whole story. I felt so ashamed. Wondering what was wrong with me and why I was putting my family through this.

Well after everyone knew what I was going through and that I was in fact having suicidal thoughts my parents wanted me to move back home. They wanted me to see a therapist as well. I reluctantly agreed. In the small town of Chester (population 3700) there are only so many therapists to choose from. By that I mean one really and he was about a half hour drive away. I called and set the appointment. As I walked up to his office for the first time I was so nervous. Here I am supposed to reveal all of my inner most secrets to someone I have never met.

I walk in the door and he introduces himself and I do the same. He sits me down and tells me to draw a picture of what it is that is inside me. Well not really knowing what he meant by this I simply drew a jagged edge square and colored it black. As he studied the picture he says wow that must hurt to have that inside of you. I nodded my head still unsure of what he meant. After that I really don’t remember much of what else was said as this was over 5 years ago. I continued to see the therapist for several more weeks and more pictures were drawn and more words exchange all of which was not making any sense to me.

At the same time it seemed as though everyone was walking on egg shells around me. They had this look of fear in their eyes and would ask me several times a day how I was feeling and if I was ok. I was not ok but I would front a smile and say yes I feel much better. I remember one night I was laying on the couch. My dad had already went to bed. My mom came into the room and sat down in the chair next to me. She looked over with tears in her eyes and said why are you doing this to me. I asked what she meant and she again said why are you doing this to me. Still not sure as to what she meant I said doing what. She replied putting me through all this stress and worrying about you. I explained I was not doing it on purpose and that I did not know the reasons as to why I felt the way I did. I felt as if she was blaming me for the way I felt. I was so hurt I didn’t know what to say. I got up and said I don’t have to take this from you. I got in the car and left. I remember her begging not to leave but I had to get out of there.

Not having anywhere to go that night I slept in the car out in the woods by a river. Wondering the whole time what am I going to do. The next morning I went to a coffee shop for breakfast. My dad walked up to the table and asked why I left. I explained my version of what happened. He nodded his head and said she is just stressed out but you need to come home. I told him I would stop by later.

When I stopped by it was like nothing had happened. Everyone was just ignoring what had happened and they wanted everything to just be normal. Yet here I was feeling so crushed inside and fronting my famous smile on the outside. Every time I looked at my mother all I could see was her blaming me for this. I felt so guilty and just, well I really cant put how I felt into words.

The next day I called my therapist and cancelled my appointment. I told him I was fine and that I will be ok. I told him all the sad and angry and guilty thoughts were gone and that I would be fine. I informed my parents that I was fine. That I was not having the bad thoughts anymore. I told them I cancelled my appointments with the therapist and I told them I was once again happy. And just like that I put on my good ole fake smile and just as quick as everyone found out about the feelings and thoughts I was having was just as quick as it all went away. Everything was back to normal. The family was happy. My mom did not give me the feeling of blame anymore, And I was quietly crying myself to sleep every night.

So that was the story of then. Now it is some five years later and I am still here. I really don’t understand why some things happen. Let me take you back to a year and 8 months ago. It was Aug. of 2007 when I finally got fed up with working odd jobs that I would change every 6 months or so. I never did go to college. Hell I was lucky to finish high school. So I sat down and started thinking. I needed to figure out what I wanted to do for a career. I thought about it for a couple months. Finally I decided I wanted to become a truck driver. I figured I love to drive. Every time I go anywhere I am always the driver. So I do my research and decide I need to go to truck driving school.

I found a school in Redding. It was a 4 week program of classroom and behind the wheel training. All together it was going to cost just under $4000.00. Ok so I sell my quad to get the money and head down there to sign up. Roughly 4 weeks later I have a California commercial class A license. I apply to a few trucking companies and bam I got a job as a driver. Oh I am excited. It is true it can get a little lonely out on the road but driving one of these big trucks is a lot of fun.

It was eight months later that I had an injury occur on the job. While cranking the landing gear on a loaded trailer I felt a snap in my back. Several doctor visits later and an MRI shows that I have problems with three discs in my back. Two are bulging and one is herniated. On top of that the one that is herniated is putting pressure on nerves going into both of my legs. So now I have constant lower back pain and radiating pain down both of my legs. Mind you I cannot sit, stand or stay in any one position for more then fifteen minutes at a time or the pain becomes so unbearable I cant tolerate it.

The doctors are telling me I will not be able to return to my normal work as a truck driver and just as fast as my new career started it had ended. After the injury I had no money coming in. I was living with my parents and they were paying my way and I felt worthless. Here I am alone and cannot take care of myself. Finally after two months since the injury had occurred they started paying me lost wages. Of course these payments only lasted for 6 months before the insurance company found a way around it. So once again I am unable to work and have no money coming in, Living with and off of my parents. At this point I am fed up with the whole work comp issue. But what can I do. I have a lawyer. Supposedly the best there is in the area. Well I went down and applied for SSD. Of course this is a process that can take years so who knows how long it will be until I have an income again. To date I have not worked for a little over a year.

I tell you what when you cannot work and you have no income and you have to depend on other people to support you. Well that is the worst feeling in the world. I mean I am so thankful that I have parents who will do this for me don’t get me wrong. But I just feel so worthless.

You know I look back thru out my life and I can pick out some good moments. But when I look back I don’t see any time at all where I was truly happy, and if there ever was a time where I was truly happy it didn’t last long.

Now I want to go into the other part of my life, relationships. When I was 14 I started having these thoughts that I like guys. I spent years trying to figure out what was wrong with me. All of my friends thru high school had girlfriends and I didn’t. In fact I never actually had any type of relationship thru out high school. Even the friends I had were more just people I hung out with at school. My friday and Saturday nights were spent at hope with my family.

I was so envious of my sister. She had so many friends. She was almost never home. She would stay the night at this friends house or all her friends would go on a camping trip, and here I was at home. I never really was the real popular one in school.

When I was 19 I was ready to come out of the closet and let my family know I am gay. Of course my brother beat me to it and did it first. I was curious to see how my family reacted and to my surprise they were very supportive. I waited a year and finally built up the courage to once again tell my family I was gay. However this time my sister beat me to it.

Here I am. I know that I am gay. Yet two of my siblings have come out already. How could I come out now and tell my parents that 3 of their 4 kids are gay. Finally 4 years later I did it and I told them. I was so scared yet they were completely supportive of it, and I got one of the biggest weights lifted off of my back.

I am 25 now and to date I have only been with one person. In fact when I was with this person I thought I had finally found true happiness. I was 23 when I met her. This was before I came out of the closet during a phase where I was going to try and be a normal person who gets married and has a family. Of course then I found out she was cheating on me. What a blow that was. My first ever relationship and that happens. Talk about a blow to what little self esteem I have, and that was the end of that.

Yep she was my first and only. I was 23 and still a virgin when I met her. Not by choice either. All thru high school I was teased for being well I will just come out and say it FAT. Everybody made fun of me even the people I thought were my friends.

It has gotten to the point where I don’t even bother trying to meet new people when I go out. I mean what is the point they are just gonna blow you off like you don’t even exist. Hell I even tried meeting people online. Mainly I would try threw craigslist cause it is free. I would post an add about me and what I was looking for and I would get no Reponses. I would browse thru the adds and reply to some but as soon as I would tell them my stats (age, height, weight) or send them a photo I would never here from them again. The most recent one was the worst. He replied to an add I posted where I did not put any of my stats or a photo. He said that I sounded interesting and wanted to know if I would want to chat. I sent a reply saying well I am not sure if I am what you are looking for and then I put my stats, 25, 6ft., 338 pounds. And then I said that I understand if I don’t here back from him. To my surprise he sent me and email back stating he was not like other people. He liked to hang out with all kinds of different people no matter what size and shape they are. We chatted back and forth for a while then he asked if I had a pic. Well I said yea and I sent him one of my face. Bam just like that I never heard from him again. I remember I sat by the phone all day and night waiting for a reply or thinking maybe the message didn’t go thru. After about three days of this I gave up on him and figured he didn’t like what he seen. I guess I am just destined to live a life alone.

I spend countless hours trying to figure out what is wrong with the way I look and the only thing I can come up with is the weight. Being overweight is a very vicious cycle. When I get depresses I eat and I am depressed because of my weight. I am at a standstill. I have tried dieting and I really have tried to give it my all but ultimately I fail because of some reason or other.

So here I sit in the corner watching my siblings and other family members finding their happiness in a reality that I can only dream about. I find myself searching the internet trying to get answers about the way I feel all the time, trying to figure out what I can do to feel better. Most of the answers I see say turn to god and except Jesus into your life. Well I thought I have. I don’t know. Maybe I am doing it wrong. I mean I never go to church because of some bad experiences I have had in the past. But I have excepted Jesus into my heart and life. I pray every night without fail. I know he is up there and I know he is listening. I have had experiences in my life that to me proved there is a god, and so I pray that he helps me to get better. I pray that the sadness will go away. I pray that I would find somebody to love me for who I am and not what I look like. I pray that I can go to bed tonight without crying. Yet I get no answer. I still have no one to love me, the sadness is still there, and I am still crying myself to sleep. I ask him what I did to deserve this. I ask him if I am not serving him the right way. I ask him if I feel like I do because I am not worthy. Yet once again I get no answer.

I am so confused. I have no idea why I deserve to feel the way I do. What did I do to deserve this. Why does he not answer my prayers and help me. Nothing I do matters anymore. I have come to the conclusion that this is the way my life is supposed to be. I do not know the answer as to why this is how it has to be but obviously it is.

When I was 19 I was very suicidal. I am not anymore . Now I just wish I was never born. There is a difference. If I was never born my family would be better off I would not have to endure the pain I am in. What is the reason for me to be here. Why do I have so much pain and sadness which turns into anger.

I will most likely never kill myself however I do things to speed up the process. Everyone tells me I need to quit smoking but I think it is a way speed up this time I have to spend on earth. If I get cancer I would just let it go so all of my pain would end. I have high blood pressure and I constantly think maybe I should just stop taking my pills so my days here will be less.

I cant take much more of this. I know that God says he will never give us more then we can handle but alas I believe he has forgot about me. I don’t understand why he would create me just so I can suffer.

I have nowhere else to turn. If I tell my family they will blame me for it, & for some reason God is not answering my prayers. Maybe I am just getting what I deserve. Maybe I did something wrong and this is my punishment. Maybe I will never fully know the reason as to why I was he gave me this life, but there is one thing I am sure of and that is that for some reason I was meant to live my life alone and depressed.

And so I will continue to live in the shadows of others. Never fully experiencing true happiness.

anonymous

hotfootelliot@yahoo.com

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